Changing The Numbers of Time

Time is funny.

It just simply goes on and on.

It continues ticking, even when your soul screams and cries out "STOP!"

It is unrelenting, unforgiving, and ever changing.

And as time goes on, it brings change- both welcome and unwelcome.

My life changed in the year of 2010. Time moved quickly before then. I was always looking for the next best thing to do with my time. I was waiting for time to move quickly, hoping that it would bring forth money, energy, and happiness- all in abundance of course.

I didn't realize how valuable time was. How precious and fleeting it could be. And eventually, how relentless and infinite it is.

As the years have continued their steady movement forward, I have struggled with how to accept it.

At first, he was dead longer than he was alive.

Then he would have been on this Earth for one whole year. Two after that and 3 after that.

Year 3 has been the longest. His brothers and sister are growing. Sister in Kindergarten, big brother in 2nd grade, baby brother learning to talk and bringing us joy (and exhaustion). It has brought success for his daddy, and soul healing for his mama.

But now it's close to year four.

How does this happen?

How does time go by, and one simply keeps breathing? Keeps putting one foot in front of the other? Continuing to be forced to face time?

4 years. 4 YEARS since I've held him, smelled his head, listened to his growl. 4 years since I last hoped for his future, dreamed of his life in our family.

Four years of fading memories, healing, and living.

Four years of letting go and allowing God bind up my broken heart in only ways that he can.

But, four years.

Year one and two were suffocating. Year three was healing. What will year four look like?

The balance of wanting to feel, so deeply, the loss of a son and in doing so remembering him so fully, but wanting to live life without grief and pain is almost impossible. It feels like betrayal. It feels impossible.

Simply put, time has a way of healing. But it also has a way of reminding. Reminding me of what I lost and how different life is.

I am in the season of changing the numbers of time. 3 changed to 4. I'm wrestling. I'm withdrawing. I'm wading into new territory.