Thursday, November 28, 2013


It was 3 years ago today, that I had my first experience with rage.

It was Thanksgiving day, the first since Joshua died.

When I awoke that morning, I felt everything but thankful. I wondered how I would survive the day.

After the day was through, and everyone was fast asleep, I sat on the couch in my parents basement. I was avoiding sleep. I sat in that basement alone and for the first time I lost all control.

Hot tears streamed down my face, the couch alternated between providing me with a punching bag and a scream muffler. I threw things, I screamed, I raged. I fell to the floor defeated, angry, and depleted.

I had never felt rage like that before. Never. I was angry at God for taking my baby away from me. I was angry that the world was such a cruel and mean place to live. I was angry at the people who were trying to hurt my family. I had nothing to be thankful for.

Or so I thought.

Time has moved on. It's unfathomable how the world can just keep going when you are left to pick up the pieces of your shattered life.

But it has, and here I am.

Still standing. Breathing. Living. And most importantly, giving thanks.

God's faithfulness to me over the past 3 years is nothing I could have ever dreamed of. He has been good, so good.

In my moments of rage, He took my anger and He forgave.

In my moments of paralyzing anxiety, he was patient and forgiving.

In my moments of suffocating sadness and grief, he clung to me and didn't let me go, all the while showing me the everlasting love of a Father.

This is our 3rd Thanksgiving without Joshua and the 2nd Thanksgiving without my dad. There will be quiet tears wiped away in secret. There will be moments of sadness at facing the reality of an empty chair that would belong to my dad and an empty lap that would belong to Joshua. There will be moments of grief. There always will be.

But this year, Thankfulness will abound. Thankfulness for the blessings of my family and friends. Thankfulness for the love of a husband who is faithful, gentle, patient, and kind. Thankfulness for my children who gave me a reason to keep moving forward. And most importantly, thankfulness for a God who has been faithful and true.

There are so many families on my heart who are celebrating their first Thanksgiving without their loved one. As you celebrate today, take a moment to remember families who are facing today without. 

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