Choosing Not To Be

This week has been a less than desirable week for me.

I know how stupid that makes me sound, considering nothing major has happened.

However, I had an attack of fear and anxiety that left me useless and suffocated.

And then, I got a phone call from someone I love with some news that has the potential to be horrifying, and terrible, and awful, and hard, and long. (you get the point.) My heart ached at the thought of potentially having to watch this person go through some seriously hard times.

The feelings of  despair threatened to consume me. I allowed myself to be over come with emotion. I allowed myself to go to that dark place of no return. I allowed myself to whine and cry.

And you know what? I didn't like being in that place. I didn't like seeing all of the people around me living and enjoying life. I didn't like being a mess on the floor, not able to function, while my kids ran around, playing, and enjoying life. I didn't like seeing my husband picking up the pieces when I was too big of a mess to do it myself.

I didn't like missing out on life because I was too busy being suffocated by things that I can't control and aren't even real.

So here I am- choosing not to be anxious again. (will I ever learn?!?)

I'm finding myself back at the foot of the cross, giving my fears over to Christ who died for me. I'm thankful for his grace, but wishing I could just learn that being anxious isn't worth it. It's not what He has ordained for my life. It's not how He wants me to live. He died so I wouldn't have to carry it. It's time to let it go and choose to be free. (again)