As time has moved forward, I am having a hard time deciphering how much I should allow myself to grieve.
To some, especially those who have lost children, it's only been 3 years. That is hardly enough time to truly begin to understand the magnitude of our loss.
To others, it's been 3 years. Enough is enough. Time to get back to normal life.
I find myself lost in the grey area of wanting to push aside the grief and wanting to wallow in it. Finding a good balance is difficult- especially when I feel like I should just "get over it."
Shane doesn't have very many weekends off. He gets a couple days off during the week, but he usually only gets one weekend off a month. During the summer, his schedule is much easier to manage when the kids are home all day. It really doesn't matter what days he has off, we can all be together.
But during the school year, when he has 2 days off in a row during the week, my big kids don't get to see him because they are at school. Our one weekend a month that we get together is more precious than gold to us during the school year.
This weekend is Shane's weekend off. The kids start school on Wednesday. Life is going to get crazy hectic again, and our family time is going to be rare.
So what's my problem?
Joshua's birthday is on Friday. My baby is going to Kindergarten. My oldest is becoming more independent. I just want to curl up on my couch and grieve.
Shane had an entire day of family activities for today. This morning, we got up and got ready for the day and I completely broke down. The very thought of this upcoming week knocks me to my knees.
I can't face it. I don't want to face it. Another birthday without the birthday boy. Another year of setting aside my grief to help set the school year off on the right foot. Another year of reliving the beginning of the end for Joshua. I just don't think I can do it again.
So here I am. Trying not to let my grief ruin our precious family time. Trying to be strong for my kids- my biggest fear is that they will resent the time I spent grieving instead of truly being there for them. But I can't function. I can't bring myself to take a shower, eat, or get off the couch. I find myself being short and impatient with the kids and getting angry with Shane- not because of anything they are doing, but because the hole in my heart is a deep and gaping wound.
Finally, I broke down and told Shane that I can't do anything today. I'm drowning in the grief. I can't bring myself to do it. He's so patient and loving and understood my pain. He offered to take the kids to the movies so I could spend some time alone, but I hate that he has to do that. I wish I could just suck it up and spend the time with my family, enjoying their company. I resent myself for not being "over" it, and if I resent myself, how can they not resent me also?
If you think about it, could you pray for us this week? Pray for me to be able to balance the grief and my family. Pray that our family will have grace for each other this week. Pray that God meets us and gives us the strength to get through.