Thursday, July 18, 2013

Thinking

Here we are. Just one short month away from Joshua's, should have been, 3rd birthday.

I cannot believe he would have been 3 this year.

Three.

Can you believe that?

It's usually around this time that I start shutting down. I start grieving hardcore.

This year, I can feel it coming, but it hasn't arrived yet.

As we prepare for the beginning of school, I try to focus on Caleb and Hannah. Caleb will be in 2nd grade and Hannah is starting Kindergarten. In the fall, it will just be me and the Lukester spending our days together. It's hard to believe how much time has gone by and how different my big kids are compared to when Joshua was alive.

In the quiet moments of my days, I find myself thinking about Joshua. We would be in the "arriving" stage with him. Close to potty training, sleeping in a big boy bed, talking and able to express himself, acting a bit more "civilized" than they do when they are a toddler. We would be planning his birthday celebration in a month, and his next surgery, the final surgery of 3 required surgeries to reroute his heart in an effort to save his life.

Instead, I'm dreading another August 16th. I'm pushing aside my grief to buy school supplies, attend kindergarten school play dates, and make a final push to get at least one more "big" fun family activity into our summer. School starts on August 14th and I have to keep it together to not take away from the beginning of the school year excitement for the other kids.

I'm also watching Joshua's "should have been" heart friends having their 3rd and final surgery in the next upcoming months. For as much as I didn't want to have to hand my baby over to a surgeon again, I would give anything to be able to do it.

I'm trying not to let my mind go there. I'm trying not to think about where we should be, and instead I'm trying to focus on what is. I have 3 beautiful living and healthy children. I have a husband that I adore. I have friends who are more like family to me than friends.  I have a home that is rest and peace for me. And above all else, I have a God who will never leave me and cries with me in my grief.

But the pain is still there. The reality of my baby's death is still like a dagger to my heart. My soul aches at the thought of another birthday without the birthday boy. I miss him. I miss him more than words can express.

So bear with me over the next month. I will probably be around a lot, writing and thinking through my grief, and remembering the one who left too soon and changed my life forever.

3 comments:

Susie Powl said...

Bean
I am so very sorry you are still in so much pain. My heart aches for you.
Love,
Mom xo

Auntie M said...

Oh Honey-boo,
My heart aches for you and with you. I will be counting the days down to Joshua's birthday with you. You are not alone in this...and I know that you will be taking refuge in the arms of our Savior and in the arms of your husband, family, and friends.
My arms are always opened wide to you.
I love you so much.

Jill in StL said...

I will pray for you as the days go by approaching August 16th and every day thereafter too. I wish I could say or do something to ease your pain. The only thing I can in reality do is what a wise pastor once said, "The five most important words you can say to a hurting person are "I will pray for you" and that I will do. May God comfort you and wrap His loving arms around you, your husband, and your family as you grieve the loss of Joshua again and again. May you feel His warmth, love, and gentleness running through you every single day.

 
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