It's a prayer I began praying not too long ago during a time in my life when I felt like He was the farthest away from me. I was in a very dark place, wondering how a good and merciful God could allow such suffering and heartache. I knew I NEEDED Him more than ever, but it was so hard just trusting Him because I was hurting so deeply.
So, I began praying.
That is around the time that He began opening doors- finding our builder "on accident" on Craigslist, a work at home job that allowed me to earn some extra income for our family, and a new church. All things that I know He brought to us.
Just yesterday, God answered some more prayers in a very tangible way.
I won't lie and say that yesterday was easy. I won't lie and say that I was excited to get out of bed and "celebrate" Joshua's birthday. I would have slept the day away if I could. My grief was raw, it was intense and it was overwhelming.
But, God had plans to give me reason to celebrate, even when I didn't feel like it.
Right after I dropped Caleb off at school, I got a phone call. It was our doctor. We have been waiting on the results of a Cystic Fibrosis test on Luke (I didn't want to share it publicly, because I didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing if it turned out to be nothing). With his lack of weight gain, and constant constipation as well as frequent respiratory problems, there was slight concern that CF could be the culprit. The doctor was working hard to find out if he had been screened for it when he was born, but finding out that answer was a little more difficult than they anticipated.
After waiting a week for the results, the nurse on the phone gladly told me that he was, in fact, screened as a newborn and he fell within the normal range. I have been carrying around that burden for a week. My anxiety has been at an all time high, almost making me completely unfuctionable (yes, I just made that word up!) and depending on my medication to help calm me down. It was such an incredible relief and a wonderfully tangible answer to prayer!
After that phone conversation, we received another call. It was the construction manager of our new home. He informed us that we are WEEKS away from being finished on the house. Not months like we had planned, but WEEKS!!!! What a blessing and what a great day to hear this news!!! Praise God!
2 HUGE answers to prayer, both on the same day, which happens to be one of the saddest days of the year for me. If that isn't God moving, I don't know what is!
Finally, in memory of Joshua, I was finally able to do this.
|It's still red and fuzzy because it's just a few hours old. |
Once it's healed up, I will post better pictures!
|Joshua's exact handprints. Same size and everything!|
I've been thinking about it for almost 2 years now, but just recently realized that I was ready. What better way to remember my son on his birthday than by getting his handprints on my body to stay there for the rest of my life?
There was so much healing in the pain. It was like a release. I never have to worry about his handprints being lost or ruined. They will always be here. I will always see him when I look in the mirror. His name is written on me forever. There is no forgetting.
Yesterday could have been a lot worse than it was. I've been so blessed by your support, your love, and your kind words. Your emails, texts, Facebook posts, and messages helped to keep me going. Thank you all so much for loving my sweet Joshie as well as our family.