Monday, May 21, 2012


Tonight has been excruciatingly long for me.

Caleb and Hannah have fought all night.

Shane is working until 10:30.

Luke has been screaming all day.

Tonight, I was able to get the big kids to bed.

Luke? Not so much.

He screamed for an hour and a half.

I did everything.

I tried to rock him.

I tried to nurse him.

I tried to walk with him.

I swaddled him.

I stripped him down to nothing but a diaper.

I changed his diaper.

I gave him tylenol.

I gave him gas drops.

I sang to him.

I begged for God to give him rest.

Nothing helped.

In the midst of my frustration, all I kept thinking about was Joshua.

I never had this opportunity with him.

Don't get me wrong. I hated every minute of Luke's screamfest, but at the same time, I was filled with compassion, joy, sorrow, and patience.

After an hour and a half, Luke is sound asleep on the living room floor. I don't dare turn the TV on. I don't dare call my husband. I don't dare move.

But as I watch him sleep, I find myself weeping.

Grief has snuck up on me. I'm thinking of Joshua and all the should have beens.

I think of all of the nights of frustration that I have missed out on.

I think of all the prayers that have not been prayed over him because he is no more.

I think of all of the growth that I never got to see and will never get to see.

How can a heart be so full of love and so full of sadness all at once?

How can a heart hurt so much yet be filled with so much joy and thankfulness for the life that is in front of me?

How can I let go of the pain?

Tonight feels impossible.


Megan@TrueDaughter said...

hugs and prayers

Auntie M said...

Oh honey, no words to help....
Love, hugs, and prayers.

Nicky said...

If Joshua was there, then there would be no Luke. Remember he is your replacement. You already had 2 children, you should have stopped.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

So let me get this right, Nicky...

Because Joshua died and I already have 2 other children, it was unacceptable and inappropriate of me to have another baby? I wasn't aware that I had to stop having children after 3 and when the 3rd dies. Is there some sort of rule that I was unaware of?

And now, because I have Luke, he will never know if he is truly loved because he will never know if I love him for him or if I love him because I replaced Joshua with him? I guess I should probably start saving up for a life time of counseling for him. Or maybe, I should just help you adopt him, because you seem like such a loving and wonderful person who would, I'm sure, love him WAYYYYY more than I do. You know, because you have always been so loving about him anyways.

I think, Nicky (if that is even your real name), you have made a very valid and logical point. Maybe I need to give Luke back.

And by the way, you are a total coward. YOu need to come out from behind your empty screen name and own up to your words. I dare you.

Thank you for your advice and support.

Amanda said...

Hi Nicky. I just have to say, to the person who obviously has a ginormous set of balls, kudos to you for your harshness to a grieving mother. Heck, let's not even say that. Kudos for your harshness to another human being. If you have such contempt for Jill and her life, then please do us all a favor and stop reading her blog! No one forces you to read it, and we certainly would prefer you keep your asinine comments to yourself. The decisions other people make about their lives are NONE of your business to question or judge. You only come here to do it because you can hide behind the internet. Give an idiot a keyboard and a screen to hide behind, and you can throw insults at any and all with no thought to how someone might feel when they read the horrible, hurtful, despicable things that you have to say. Luke is no one's replacement. He is LUKE, a child who was wanted and loved, and who is loved by a mother, father, and two siblings and by a great and mighty God. So who are you to try and take that from him? Shame on you. SHAME. On. YOU.

cmnana44 said...

Well said, Amanda. We need always to engage our brain before our mouth, or in this case our fingers. I had 2 children after my first one died. According to Nicky, I should have remained childless. I would have had no grandchildren and would have missed out on many of God's special blessings in life. I pray that people like Nicky some day realize that God gives us unmeasurable love for each of our children because they are his gift to us.

McEngland like the McCountry said...

Nicky, I pray that you are childless and this is just the ignorance of youth that allows you to troll on the Internet. One day you'll have to answer to all this

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

ps. Here is your chance to tell me anything you want. email me directly at

I would LOVE to hear from you. Seriously.

Nikki said...

Nicky I'd love to have a chat with you about why you feel the need to speak to Jill in such a way. Please email me at I was raised by a lady who taught me manners and respect and I'd like to help you learn the same values, as your mother obviously didn't bother to raise you like a lady.

Lollipops and Munchkins said...

Nicky, I have not words to describe my contempt for your post. Please remove yourself from this blog. Your "wisdom" is hurtful and unforgivable. Shame on you

Peggy Spencer said...

Jill, honey....I have felt the same confusing mix of emotions while watching Jeremiah grow, learn, cry and smile. They don't seem like they'd make good bedfellows, yet here we are, feeling the full spectrum. I have no big words of advice, but to just breath, cry and give thanks for the happiness that was and is.

Prayers and lots of love and hugs, my friend.


Lauren said...

Nicky, you are one sad and heartless person. Let me ask you a few things. Have YOU ever lost a child? Have YOU had to kiss your new baby goodbye as they go into open heart surgery? Have YOU held your lifeless child, with a broken heart that will never be fully healed?

I have also lost my son. My baby boy. He also had HLHS. I now also have another baby. Another boy. We will always love the baby that we lost. That does NOT mean his brother is a replacement. I will always have three children, one of which is in heaven watching over us. Wow. How dare you say a damn thing.

Shrrbyrd said...

Who in the heck is this "Nicky"? She is no friend, no ally, certainly is ignorant, unkind, insensitive and unworthy of any true friendship. She's bitter, angry and lashes out at sweet Jill. NICKY - PLEASE READ MATTHEW 7:1. BUT WAIT, YOU DON'T OWN A BIBLE MUCH LESS READ IT OR PRACTICE IT. WHO IN THE HELL ARE YOU TO JUDGE ANYONE???

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