Tonight has been excruciatingly long for me.
Caleb and Hannah have fought all night.
Shane is working until 10:30.
Luke has been screaming all day.
Tonight, I was able to get the big kids to bed.
Luke? Not so much.
He screamed for an hour and a half.
I did everything.
I tried to rock him.
I tried to nurse him.
I tried to walk with him.
I swaddled him.
I stripped him down to nothing but a diaper.
I changed his diaper.
I gave him tylenol.
I gave him gas drops.
I sang to him.
I begged for God to give him rest.
In the midst of my frustration, all I kept thinking about was Joshua.
I never had this opportunity with him.
Don't get me wrong. I hated every minute of Luke's screamfest, but at the same time, I was filled with compassion, joy, sorrow, and patience.
After an hour and a half, Luke is sound asleep on the living room floor. I don't dare turn the TV on. I don't dare call my husband. I don't dare move.
But as I watch him sleep, I find myself weeping.
Grief has snuck up on me. I'm thinking of Joshua and all the should have beens.
I think of all of the nights of frustration that I have missed out on.
I think of all the prayers that have not been prayed over him because he is no more.
I think of all of the growth that I never got to see and will never get to see.
How can a heart be so full of love and so full of sadness all at once?
How can a heart hurt so much yet be filled with so much joy and thankfulness for the life that is in front of me?
How can I let go of the pain?
Tonight feels impossible.