My anxiety has reached new heights this week. Thoughts of Luke dying, feelings of impending death, and a crushing feeling of being completely overwhelmed and exhausted have taken their toll on me this week.
I'm not sure what has brought it on, or where it came from, but this week has been nearly impossible for me to function.
It has been an especially crazy week because we have all been extremely sick with a nasty head cold and Shane has been working late hours- not typically coming home until after 10pm.
Typically a head cold is not enough to send me into a tailspin, but this week it did. It hit me and it hit me hard. I finally reached a breaking point and had to break down and ask for help.
I called my mother in law and asked if there was any way she could come out for a few days to help me out. She kindly rearranged a few of her days and came out, no questions asked.
Having her here has been amazing. She's not done a ton to help, but just having her around has been extremely helpful. I think, for me, to just know that someone was around to help out if I needed it took a huge burden off of me.
I had counseling this morning. I talked to her about my extreme anxiety and complete exhaustion. I told her how I know that my fears are completely irrational, but I can't seem to control it. She really encouraged me to give up the mommy guilt and allow myself some time to rest. Time away from my family, time away to be by myself- to sleep, to rest, to do what I want to do. She encouraged me to spend some time allowing myself to heal from the sickness that has taken over, and simply allow myself time to rest in God's presence.
It was then that I realized that I am not doing anyone any good by being the way that I am. If I want to take the burden off of my husband, I have to take care of myself. I have to allow myself a day or two to rest and heal. Then, I can come back and start functioning like a normal human being again.
I will openly admit, I am tired of living this way. I am tired of being run by fear. I am tired of worrying about if my children are going to die. I am tired of trying to hold everything together and trying to carry the burden of my entire family by myself. I can't do it all. I am just plain tired.
These next few days, I may fall off the face of the earth. Shane has graciously agreed (because he doesn't like who I've become just as much as I don't like who I've become) to let me have as much time as I need to myself. I don't know what that will look like, but I already feel like a burden has been lifted. He has taken next week off for vacation time and it's the kids' spring break. The timing of it all could not be more perfect!
I may be blogging or facebooking a lot. I may just sleep for 3 days straight. I may just go enjoy some great meals and a movie by myself. I'm not sure yet, but I'm excited. It's been too long since I've done ANYTHING for myself.
Good bye anxiety and exhaustion. I'm done with you.