Monday, February 27, 2012

So Many Things...

My lack of blogging has been due to the fact that my life feels extremely out of control lately. I've been wanting to blog, but quite honestly, I'm not sure what to type anymore.

There is a lot going on in my life right now. Some good. Some bad. Some just there and not really important, but adds weight to the burden that I carry day in and day out.

I've thought a lot about what I want to share with you and what I don't want to share with you. This time around, the grief is a lot more private. Or maybe I simply don't have anything new or insightful to say. Either way, the words aren't there. The overwhelming feelings of sadness are very  much present, but the words, both typed and spoken, won't come.

I've thought about sharing with you the feelings of abandonment that my dad's death has brought to my life. He's gone and, with that, his absence has brought a sense of aloneness. My mom has had to make some tough decisions about what to do next, which have selfishly, added to the feelings of abandonment. Whether or not they are valid feelings is a whole other argument that I'm not willing to hash out on my blog or even with spoken words. It's all part of the grief, and one things I learned with my struggles with grief is that the grieving process is so very selfish. I hate that.

I've also thought about sharing with you a little bit about my new purchase. My laptop bit the dust a few weeks ago, and Shane and I have been talking about what we wanted to replace it with. I am pleased, and somewhat embarrassed to announce that we have officially become the proud owners of a brand spanking new MacBook Pro. Yes...that's right...a Mac. We have officially crossed over to the dark side...or I guess more appropriately, the white side....that is shaped like a fruit...Yikes.

I've thought about sharing how I'm doing with my weight loss. Thankfully, that is one area of my life that I have complete control over and I'm taking full advantage! Last week I lost 4.2 pounds and I'm down a total of 12.6 pounds. I'm hoping that at this week's weigh in I will be in the 230's- almost 20 pounds lighter than when I started a month and a half ago! Slowly but surely, this weight will come off! I can't wait!!!

I've thought a lot about writing about Luke, Hannah, and Caleb. They are all growing and changing and learning at remarkable rates. My baby will be 4 months old in a few weeks and is extremely close to rolling over. Hannah will be turning 4 in a few months and amazes me with her witty-ness and humor. And my oldest will be in 1st grade soon- he scored his first basket in Upwards basketball a few weeks ago and has discovered the world of BeyBlades (I'm warning you...don't get your kids me on this one). Time is flying and I'm trying to soak it all in. However, with their growth comes a lingering sadness and constant wonder of what Joshua would be like today. Surely he would be walking and starting to talk at this point. He would be 18 months now. I can't even begin to think about it.

I've also thought about sharing with you the very personal decision to seek professional counseling and also changing my decision about medication. Anxiety has set in and at times, I am fully convinced that one, a couple, or all of my children are dying. So much as a cough or cry have me fully convinced that I need to drop what I'm doing and rush them to the ER. The anxiety is affecting my daily life and I'm finding that I cannot function. I have never been against medication, but wanted to work through all of this without it. However, I'm realizing that it's time to reconsider that. I need to take the edge off so I can become well again. I'm slipping deeper and deeper into a place that I don't want to live and I recognize that it's only going to get worse.

I've thought about writing a post that tells you that there is quite possibly another move in our future. We are looking at homes in the big city just East of us where Shane works. My mom is moving and there is nothing tying us to our current location anymore. It would be nice to be close to my friend Molly and her family (who just so happen to be our kid's best friends), as well as be just minutes away from shopping and Shane's work. Growing up in the Chicago area, we just aren't adjusting well to living in a sleepy little town with only one stop light, a library the size of my bathroom, and a grocery store that charges an arm and a leg for everything.

And finally, I've thought about sharing with you my newest adventure of becoming a professional cutter. My friend, Molly, creates absolutely beautiful baby dolls. She has asked me to come on board with her and help her cut, sew, and keep her company while she works on getting her business off the ground. The kids and I been spending many days at her house helping her create her masterpieces. I'm surprised at how attached I'm becoming to those dolls. I guess after all the hard work, they slowly become a part of you and it's hard to let them go.

By the way, do you remember the post when I shared that she created a Joshua CHD doll that was up for auction? That doll sold for $500 with all the proceeds going towards CHD research. I have no words to describe how beautiful that entire auction process was to me. The winner of the doll has a touching story to tell about Congenital Heart Defects that I will have to share in another blog post.

In all, things have been good, but they have also been kinda crummy. I miss Joshua. I miss my dad. Things are changing and I'm trying my best to adjust. We are praying for God's will to be revealed and trusting Him with our pain. I continue to take one day at a time and try not to beat myself up when I simply can't find the motivation to post here.


Mellow said...

Oh how I understand. Much love to you. Still praying.

Beverley said...

Oh Jill, so much going just doesn't stop does it. {{{Jill}}} That is probably a good thing actually!

Amanda said...

Jill, thank you so much for sharing your pain with us. And I hope your journey with counseling and medication is as healing as mine was. Both felt like a gift from God during a dark time of life. Please know you have friends and strangers alike praying for you. And way to go on the weight loss!

Auntie M said...

Ah sweet girl...frankly, if I were you I still wouldn't be able to string thoughts together, let alone sentences! Grief is a long slow process. And life moves on despite our grief process. Thank you for sharing what you can/want to and we respect you for respecting what is personal & private about this time.
I am a big believer in help from friends, family, counseling, and meds if they help--if they don't help or no longer help, that will become apparent and you can always go off them. In the meantime, would we deny a diabetic insulin? As others have said, you continue to be in many prayers and are surrounded by a world of strangers & friends who love you and are praying for you and your family. xoxo ~Mary
PS~Kudos on the weight loss!

Tammie Lewis said...

Your honesty is what we love most about you my friend. Remember to just take it one day at time, and some days maybe take it second by second. Always remember how very loved you are. xoxo

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