Friday, January 20, 2012
I remember during the early days after receiving Joshua's heart diagnosis, I didn't know how or what to pray.
Of course, I prayed for a miraculous healing. Of course, I prayed for Joshua to live. But, I also wanted to pray for God's will to be done.
I know the Bible tells us to ask God for the things that we want. I asked God for healing for Joshua and I asked for him to live. But at the same time, I asked for God to do what He was going to do and to give me the grace to accept it- even if I didn't understand it.
I find myself questioning what to pray for again.
I have asked God for a complete healing for my dad. I have asked Him to give my dad pain free days and years left with us. I have asked for Him to reach down and take this cancer from him.
But I have also asked for God's will to be done.
I KNOW that God can heal my dad completely from the cancer. I know He can take it all away with a single breath. But if He doesn't, I will accept it and trust Him.
The pain will be there, just like it was with Joshua. There will be days that I am angry with God, just like there was with Joshua. There will be days when I want nothing to do with God, just like there were with Joshua.
But my faith is deeply ingrained. My faith is part of who I am. It is the core of my being. I can scream and yell at God because I know He can take it. I can worship and praise God because I know He loves me, no matter what.
Instead of continuing to ask for the things that I want, I have changed the way that I pray.
I don't understand why we keep getting hit with crisis after crisis. I don't know why God keeps asking my family and me to walk through refining fire after refining fire. But I do know that He has something great in store for us.
So I've changed my prayers from asking for me, me, me to boldly asking God to make it extremely clear what we are supposed to do with all of these struggles. I've asked God to specifically and very clearly to SHOW me what He wants of me. I'm not asking for understanding or fairness. I'm simply asking God to show me His will for my life and for my family's lives.
I continue to cling to the promise that God works for the good of all who love Him. I know He has a purpose for all of this suffering. However, I'm getting tired- physically and spiritually exhausted. I can't keep walking blindly through the pain and suffering. I NEED Him to show me what He wants me to do with all of this. I need Him to show me how He is bringing glory to His name. I need Him to give me something tangible to cling to.
I'm not sure if this is the right or wrong way to pray, but I feel like God has been working on me...again. I also feel like the Holy Spirit is nudging me to pray this way, instead of for healing and for the suffering to stop.