Friday, January 20, 2012

Changing How I Pray


I remember during the early days after receiving Joshua's heart diagnosis, I didn't know how or what to pray.

Of course, I prayed for a miraculous healing. Of course, I prayed  for Joshua to live. But, I also wanted to pray for God's will to be done.

I know the Bible tells us to ask God for the things that we want. I asked God for healing for Joshua and I asked for him to live. But at the same time, I asked for God to do what He was going to do and to give me the grace to accept it- even if I didn't understand it.

I find myself questioning what to pray for again.

I have asked God for a complete healing for my dad. I have asked Him to give my dad pain free days and years left with us. I have asked for Him to reach down and take this cancer from him.

But I have also asked for God's will to be done.

I KNOW that God can heal my dad completely from the cancer. I know He can take it all away with a single breath. But if He doesn't, I will accept it and trust Him.

The pain will be there, just like it was with Joshua. There will be days that I am angry with God, just like there was with Joshua. There will be days when I want nothing to do with God, just like there were with Joshua.

But my faith is deeply ingrained. My faith is part of who I am. It is the core of my being. I can scream and yell at God because I know He can take it. I can worship and praise God because I know He loves me, no matter what.

Instead of continuing to ask for the things that I want, I have changed the way that I pray.

I don't understand why we keep getting hit with crisis after crisis. I don't know why God keeps asking my family and me to walk through refining fire after refining fire. But I do know that He has something great in store for us.

So I've changed my prayers from asking for me, me, me to boldly asking God to make it extremely clear what we are supposed to do with all of these struggles. I've asked God to specifically and very clearly to SHOW me what He wants of me. I'm not asking for understanding or fairness. I'm simply asking God to show me His will for my life and for my family's lives.

I continue to cling to the promise that God works for the good of all who love Him. I know He has a purpose for all of this suffering. However, I'm getting tired- physically and spiritually exhausted. I can't keep walking blindly through the pain and suffering. I NEED Him to show me what He wants me to do with all of this. I need Him to show me how He is bringing glory to His name. I need Him to give me something tangible to cling to.

I'm not sure if this is the right or wrong way to pray, but I feel like God has been working on me...again. I also feel like the Holy Spirit is nudging me to pray this way, instead of for healing and for the suffering to stop.

3 comments:

Mommafo said...

I will pray with you. You are right, and I tell myself the same thing often-- God has something big in store. But just for a moment, think about the lives and hearts you've been able to touch through your blog ministry. God is already using you. I pray that he'll continue to show you His will, and that He will grant you His strength to handle the storms.

nichole quigley said...

I'm still praying for your family!! I've recently had to start praying a different way as well... I tended to pray for ME but that God's will be done, and now I am just going to pray for God to show me what HE wants to be done!

Bumper said...

I must admit I no longer pray for healing of any kind - my mother died of ovarian cancer and dad has pancreatic cancer. He has lasted longer than the doctors thought he would and so is on borrowed time. I no longer believe in divine healing as there would be nothing crueler to me than a God who can heal our loved ones and who simply chooses not to. I choose instead to believe that our lives are set on a path that God knows from birth and no amount of pleading is going to change that path. What is going to happen is going to happen in spite of what we do, God does not intervene. I simply enjoy the good times and hope for strength to bear the sorrowful times.

 
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