Friday, December 30, 2011

Not sure what to name this post...


I cannot express how thankful I am for all of your love and support over the past week.

I have received email upon email offering support and love. I have been humbled at your love for a complete stranger. Thank you.

I hesitate to write how I'm really doing. My parents sometimes read here, and the last thing I want to do is add to their burden. I don't want their focus on me and how I'm doing- it needs to be on dad and getting him well again.

However, this is my place to let it all out. It always has been and it always will be.

Truthfully, I'm really struggling.

I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm exhausted- both physically and mentally. All I want to do is sleep.

I'm struggling with Joshua being gone- this was our 2nd Christmas without him.

I'm struggling with seeing my dad in a hospital bed in too much pain to even sit up.

I'm struggling with keeping things up at home. I don't have any desire to clean, cook, or do laundry.

I'm struggling with Luke- he cries, A LOT. I've figured out that he seems to have a dairy sensitivity, so I've cut out all dairy from my diet. He's been doing much better since I've cut it out, but it's hard. It's worth it to me for him to get the breast milk, but I'm struggling with giving up my favorite foods. Every meal and snack that I have that has no dairy in it is a small victory, but it's frustrating.

I'm struggling with feeling lost and alone. I don't want to burden my mom and dad with my grief. I don't want to bug my brother about it. I don't know when my offer to help crosses the line of being overbearing and trying to control the situation. I'm exhausted and need a break from the kids- but I hate dumping them on other people. My parents have been our main support with the kids, and now even that is gone.

I am still, very much in caretaker mode. It's hard for me to step back and let my mom do it- not because she isn't capable of it. Just because I know what a heavy burden it is to carry, and I hate seeing my mom have to go through it. I just want to see my dad well again- something I may or may not see again.

I'm frustrated with God. I struggle with being angry with Him again. Why would a good God, who loves us beyond measure, continue to let us struggle like this? He could have prevented all of this. He could still reach down and heal my dad. But He hasn't. Where is He in all of this? My dad says it's a blessing and an answer to his prayers (in a weird way), but I'm having a hard time finding the blessing in all of it. All I know is that I'm struggling with the grief all over again. I'm still grieving the loss of  Joshua and now I'm in the beginning stages of grief all over again with my dad. It hurts, and I'm exhausted.

I have made the call to see a counselor. I'm just waiting to hear back from them. I'm hoping that some sort of support will help me get through this. I don't know what else to do.

Please just continue to pray for our family. Pray for my dad to have some relief from the pain and discomfort. Pray for my mom to have the strength to continue caring for him. Pray for my brother and myself as we continue to process the  information that we are receiving. Pray for God to make Himself evident through it all.

16 comments:

McEngland like the McCountry said...

Smart girl! You definitely need the support and a counsellor is a great way to get what you need without feeling like you are adding to anyone else's struggle (even though you aren't but still, you can know that truth for someone else but when it comes to you it's somehow different). You know I'm in your corner with love and prayers and bad jokes.

El said...

I completely understand the struggle w/sensitivity diet! My E was sensitive to Dairy, spicy foods and citrus (and lifting in the SW everything good has cheese and chili). Hang in there w/the breastfeeding! Its good for you too, oxytocin helps whit everything else on your platter!
Prayers, EL

Joe said...

Praying for your dad Jill, for him to be comforted to know how loved he his. Praying for you, for your physical and emotional relief. Praying Luke will do well with your dietary adjustment, my wife had to do the same thing for several months after our son was born(they make Lactaid ice cream and milk she ate\drank alot). Praying you and your family would know God is with you in this trial and time of grief even though you can not feel Him. Praying all around for all of you.

Joe

The Price Family! said...

My heart breaks for you and your entire family. Its hard to see God throgh all the fog but remeber he is still there. I wish I was closer to you I would be glad to take your kids and give you a break. You have alot of prayer warriors calling out for you. Hold strong girl you can do it. You are already doing a great job.

grandmato4 said...

Jill, I lost my dad and I just sometimes want to hear his voice .........I can hear it in my head and heart but not in my ears - So here is my suggestion - let someone take care of Luke for about an hour - go to Hallmark and buy a read to me book - and take it to the hospital for your mom and dad to read the book for your children - then if you have time - go get a pedicure - it will take 1/2 hour and will relax you for a couple mins so you can go nurse Luke - I pray for you and your family everyday

Callandra said...

Jill, you have been in my prayers and will continue to be, as well as your dear Dad. I wish I had the words to really say how much I wish this pain and stress could melt away and you could feel as healed as possible. Just know that so many people are thinking of you...

Lis said...

I don't have parents and I was the caregiver for them all and yes I do know first hand the pain of cancer, so be strong & know I'm praying for ya!

grandmato4 said...

Also, I am not trying to be insensitive but I just know for me taking a step away from all the stress can work wonders for my mind -

lisa said...

Praying for you and your whole family!! I pray that you can feel God wrap his arms around you and know that he cares for and loves you!

Kristin said...

Praying for you and hoping that you will feel some peace about not having to be the "everything". If I were closer I would offer to take your kiddos! :) Accept help...even ask for it if you need and know that prayers are coming your way!!
Kristin

Nancy said...

Praying for you, Jill! I had to do dairy free for our fourth son. Coconut milk ice cream is delish!! Also, I don't know if anyone has mentioned it to you, but our doc recommended cutting out dairy AND soy since the proteins are similar and most often a sensitivity to one goes with a sensitivity to the other. Many prayers for you and your family....

Ausmerican Housewife said...

Oh dear, trudging along with you.

Auntie Mip said...

Jill and family,

On this dawn of a New Year may you know a peace that passes all understanding, comfort in this storm and hope in abundance!

A new year is a promise of things never before dreamed possible...believe in that promise!

grace said...

Hi. I've never commented here before...I came over through your link posted on blogher from my blog. Anyway, I'm just catching up with the last few posts here and can see your at the end of your rapidly fraying rope. Not much I can say that hasn't all ready been said, I'm sure. I want to comment on the God part of this post, but I don't want to come off as preachy and it's so hard to communicate anything about grief or God to a perfect stranger and NOT be insulting so I won't offer any advice at all, but what I will say is that I know with 100% certainty that God sees and knows what your going through and loves you tremendously, and is working in ways you don't know to bring peace and hope and healing. But more than anything, I want you to know He loves you...you are not forgotten. He loves you deeply and thoroughly and knows that your are but dust...doesn't expect or need you to keep up with laundry or pretend that everything is okay. I REALLY hope and pray I've not offended you at all...I just wanted you to hear those tiny tidbits of truth that can often get overlooked in crazy-out-of-this-world-difficult situations. After I send this comment, I'll say a prayer for you and your family. Love & hugs from a new blogger friend, grace

Sara said...

You and your family will be added to our prayers. May God relieve your father's and your family's pain.

Unknown said...

I read this the other day and thought of you.
http://300wordsaday.com/2011/12/27/living-between-i-will-and-i-have/
Many people for centuries have asked the same questions you are asking. They are good, real questions. from the post above "Not every child is raised. But every promise is kept." Our Father is Holy and keeps his promises.

 
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