Friday, December 30, 2011
I cannot express how thankful I am for all of your love and support over the past week.
I have received email upon email offering support and love. I have been humbled at your love for a complete stranger. Thank you.
I hesitate to write how I'm really doing. My parents sometimes read here, and the last thing I want to do is add to their burden. I don't want their focus on me and how I'm doing- it needs to be on dad and getting him well again.
However, this is my place to let it all out. It always has been and it always will be.
Truthfully, I'm really struggling.
I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm exhausted- both physically and mentally. All I want to do is sleep.
I'm struggling with Joshua being gone- this was our 2nd Christmas without him.
I'm struggling with seeing my dad in a hospital bed in too much pain to even sit up.
I'm struggling with keeping things up at home. I don't have any desire to clean, cook, or do laundry.
I'm struggling with Luke- he cries, A LOT. I've figured out that he seems to have a dairy sensitivity, so I've cut out all dairy from my diet. He's been doing much better since I've cut it out, but it's hard. It's worth it to me for him to get the breast milk, but I'm struggling with giving up my favorite foods. Every meal and snack that I have that has no dairy in it is a small victory, but it's frustrating.
I'm struggling with feeling lost and alone. I don't want to burden my mom and dad with my grief. I don't want to bug my brother about it. I don't know when my offer to help crosses the line of being overbearing and trying to control the situation. I'm exhausted and need a break from the kids- but I hate dumping them on other people. My parents have been our main support with the kids, and now even that is gone.
I am still, very much in caretaker mode. It's hard for me to step back and let my mom do it- not because she isn't capable of it. Just because I know what a heavy burden it is to carry, and I hate seeing my mom have to go through it. I just want to see my dad well again- something I may or may not see again.
I'm frustrated with God. I struggle with being angry with Him again. Why would a good God, who loves us beyond measure, continue to let us struggle like this? He could have prevented all of this. He could still reach down and heal my dad. But He hasn't. Where is He in all of this? My dad says it's a blessing and an answer to his prayers (in a weird way), but I'm having a hard time finding the blessing in all of it. All I know is that I'm struggling with the grief all over again. I'm still grieving the loss of Joshua and now I'm in the beginning stages of grief all over again with my dad. It hurts, and I'm exhausted.
I have made the call to see a counselor. I'm just waiting to hear back from them. I'm hoping that some sort of support will help me get through this. I don't know what else to do.
Please just continue to pray for our family. Pray for my dad to have some relief from the pain and discomfort. Pray for my mom to have the strength to continue caring for him. Pray for my brother and myself as we continue to process the information that we are receiving. Pray for God to make Himself evident through it all.