As we anxiously await for Luke's arrival (COME ON BABY BOY!!!!) I find that I am being asked more and more about how I feel.
I think the question is pointed towards the more physical side of how I'm feeling (which by the way is pretty awful!!!) but I've found myself thinking more about how I'm feeling emotionally.
Caleb and Hannah's births were extremely "normal." No complications, 2 day hospital stay, come home with a happy and healthy newborn. Joshua, however, was nothing I could have ever dreamed. His birth was something I had never experienced before.
There were so many things that were different about him. Knowing that while he was in my womb, he wasn't suffering. He was happy, healthy, and thriving. But knowing that as soon as he came out into this world, he was going to have to fight. He was going to be cut open, his tiny heart repaired, drugged, and life would be a struggle for him. My motherly instincts told me to fight for him, and that I did. I fought and fought and fought for him, all within hours of birthing. The 51 days that he was alive were the most beautiful and terrifying days of my entire life.
We have no reason to believe that Luke is sick. All of his fetal ECHO's showed a very healthy and whole heart. He has been growing right on track, has a strong heartbeat, and is constantly moving.
But I can't help but have some anxiety.
I'm afraid that the doctors missed something. I'm afraid that we will take our baby home only to find out that something is wrong a few days later, once again, turning our lives upside down. (Often times, babies with Congential Heart Defects seem perfectly healthy until they get home and things start going down hill- please...if you are pregnant, have a pulse ox test performed on your baby before he/she leaves the hospital. This simple and non-invasive test can save your baby's life.)
I'm also suffering some anxiety about being in the hospital. Hospitals have never bothered me before, but since basically living in one for 51 days, I can officially say that I HATE hospitals. The smells, the sounds, the language- they are all triggers for me. They bring back memories that are difficult for me. Memories of my baby. Memories of triumphs and struggles and the ultimate loss. The thought of spending 2 days in a hospital makes me cringe.
I also find myself worrying about the words of others. When we announced that Luke was a boy, the attacks from extremists quickly snuffed out the joy of our day. I'm afraid of the comments that will be left when we announce the birth of our beautiful little one. It's stupid that I even have to worry about it, but that is our reality. There are people out there who are still talking about our family, placing blame, and refuse to keep their opinions to themselves. The hatred from some is almost scary to me, and I worry about how that will seep into our lives and try to steal our joy in simply celebrating the new life that will be entering the world. Thankfully, I have a dear friend who is going to moderate for me for a few days. I won't see any comments until they are approved. It's one of the sad realities that I have to face- this world is full of evil and we are not immune to it.
So, all that to say, I'm beyond excited to see our beautiful little blessing. I can only imagine the healing that his little life will bring to my heart. However, there are some real fears that come along with is arrival.
As we come into my (hopefully) final week of pregnancy, I am asking for prayers for a safe labor and delivery. I'm asking for prayers for peace and comfort. I'm asking for prayers for Luke's health. And finally I'm asking for prayer that Caleb and Hannah will adjust to having a new baby at home.
We are so so SO excited!!!