Monday, November 7, 2011

I'm Scared

As we anxiously await for Luke's arrival (COME ON BABY BOY!!!!) I find that I am being asked more and more about how I feel.

I think the question is pointed towards the more physical side of how I'm feeling (which by the way is pretty awful!!!) but I've found myself thinking more about how I'm feeling emotionally.

Caleb and Hannah's births were extremely "normal." No complications, 2 day hospital stay, come home with a happy and healthy newborn. Joshua, however, was nothing I could have ever dreamed. His birth was something I had never experienced before.

There were so many things that were different about him. Knowing that while he was in my womb, he wasn't suffering. He was happy, healthy, and thriving. But knowing that as soon as he came out into this world, he was going to have to fight. He was going to be cut open, his tiny heart repaired, drugged, and life would be a struggle for him. My motherly instincts told me to fight for him, and that I did. I fought and fought and fought for him, all within hours of birthing. The 51 days that he was alive were the most beautiful and terrifying days of my entire life.

We have no reason to believe that Luke is sick. All of his fetal ECHO's showed a very healthy and whole heart. He has been growing right on track, has a strong heartbeat, and is constantly moving.

But I can't help but have some anxiety.

I'm afraid that the doctors missed something. I'm afraid that we will take our baby home only to find out that something is wrong a few days later, once again, turning our lives upside down. (Often times, babies with Congential Heart Defects seem perfectly healthy until they get home and things start going down hill- please...if you are pregnant, have a pulse ox test performed on your baby before he/she leaves the hospital. This simple and non-invasive test can save your baby's life.)

I'm also suffering some anxiety about being in the hospital. Hospitals have never bothered me before, but since basically living in one for 51 days, I can officially say that I HATE hospitals. The smells, the sounds, the language- they are all triggers for me. They bring back memories that are difficult for me. Memories of my baby. Memories of triumphs and struggles and the ultimate loss. The thought of spending 2 days in a hospital makes me cringe.

I also find myself worrying about the words of others. When we announced that Luke was a boy, the attacks from extremists quickly snuffed out the joy of our day. I'm afraid of the comments that will be left when we announce the birth of our beautiful little one. It's stupid that I even have to worry about it, but that is our reality. There are people out there who are still talking about our family, placing blame, and refuse to keep their opinions to themselves. The hatred from some is almost scary to me, and I worry about how that will seep into our lives and try to steal our joy in simply celebrating the new life that will be entering the world. Thankfully, I have a dear friend who is going to moderate for me for a few days. I won't see any comments until they are approved. It's one of the sad realities that I have to face- this world is full of evil and we are not immune to it.

So, all that to say, I'm beyond excited to see our beautiful little blessing. I can only imagine the healing that his little life will bring to my heart. However, there are some real fears that come along with is arrival.

As we come into my (hopefully) final week of pregnancy, I am asking for prayers for a safe labor and delivery. I'm asking for prayers for peace and comfort. I'm asking for prayers for Luke's health. And finally I'm asking for prayer that Caleb and Hannah will adjust to having a new baby at home.

We are so so SO excited!!!


Sarah said...

Praying for you! I am very happy to hear that Luke's heart is healthy :) Congrats and easy labor vibes!

Hope's Blog said...

Many prayers for you and your family. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through right now, but I hope you are finding the joy of being pregnant too.

Lindym said...

Praying for you Jill. I have full confidence that Luke is going to be 100% healthy. I understand the fear you have and i'm going to be honest, it will never go away no matter how many babies you have. With Ethan being our first born and having HLHS the thought of being pregnant again was a happy VERY scary moment. I worried for both Taylor and Parker that even though both of their fetal echos looked okay that the doctors missed something. When i went into labor with Parker this past Feb and ended up having an emergency c-section i remember saying every 2 mins " is his heart okay!? Please hook him up to the paulse ox!" I'm sure this was annoying for all of the staff because i was saying it over and over but i couldn't see him since i was still on the table and i wanted to feel that i was still in control. We had to stay in the hosptial for 3 days. On day 2 a new pediatriatian came into the room and said "hey i'm just here to check on Parker since someone said they heard a murmer yesterday." I was livid. No one had said anything to me and I instantly went into freak out mode. I told her i wanted to know who heard it so I could speak to them. (really i wanted to slap them in the in face for not telling me) Turns out it was the nurse i had who i didn't like anyway. i explained to her how rude and unprofessional it was for her to keep that information from me especially since i am already a HEART mom and time could be limited since we have a history of CHD. It wasn't a very nice conversation. Looking back now i would have handled it differetly but at that point in time i was pissed.
It turns out he is fine. no murmer and a healthy heart. I guess i feel like i'm sharing this with you so you know that once little Luke it normal to be overprotective. Do whatever you feel you need to do to make sure that he gets the very best care and that you are 100% comfotable with taking him home without any doubt.
I can't wait to see pics of him. What a beautiful Blessing.

Lindym said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lindym said...

Guess i should have read that before posting.. lol

* once Little Luke is here its normal*

Anonymous said...

I'm worried about the extremists, too, when Luke arrives. I think comment blocking with someone else reading the emails might be a good idea, like u did last time. As for Luke's health, I think all of that anxiety will melt away when you hold him. I had anxiety about the same things before Annalise's birth, but for different reasons. God bless

Anonymous said...

I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened : and their faces were not ashamed . Psalm 34:4-5
Know that God is with you and has given you Luke, the rainbow baby, to help you begin to heal...He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love.
God bless you and your family
Your sister in Christ, Melody

grandmato4 said...

It is normal to worry - and even more so in your case - I had 4 kids - worried about each one - as for the extremists - please don't waste your positive energy on them - I know that is hard to say or do - but they are robbing you of the joy of being pregnant and the joy of having a newborn son - God knows you did the right thing for Joshua and that is all that matters! I think it is a great idea for someone to monitor your comments - She/he is a great friend.

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Melody- that verse is perfect. I think I'm actually going to print that out and take it with me to the hospital. Thank you so much. <3

Beth said...

As always, praying for you sis. Love ya!!

stardustdawn said...

(((HUGS))) and prayers!

cristie parish said...

I'll be praying all week for peace, a safe delivery, and healthy baby! I'm so glad our God is faithful and will be with you always. Much love!

Auntie M said...

Praying for you and your whole family, hon! I agree with others:
- I think it is perfectly normal to be experience some anxiety/fear as your delivery approaches as you remember your experiences with Joshua... Praying for your peace of mind, for Luke's health, and that this is a joyful experience!
- I am so glad you are having someone moderate your comments; so sad that such hateful & hurtful people abound, but don't let them rob you of the joy of Luke's arrival!! Remember there are far more of us who love you and support you and are praying for you than there are of those people!!!
-Waiting with anxious joy to hear of Luke's arrival and to see pictures of him!
-Love you!!!

Chris, Diana, Elena, and Sadie said...

It's been awhile, Jill! I've been wondering how your heart has been holding up as Luke's arrival approaches. I'm praying that you will be protected from hurtful people, and that Luke's arrival will be a healing experience. Go, Luke, go! We can't wait to see you!

AW said...

Praying for you!!! And congrats on this sweet lil guy!! :)

Krista Phillips said...

Praying for you!!!! can't wait to see a picture of that precious little one!!!!! *hugs*

chases said...

You don't know me.but I am Heather and Adam Everetts aunt.I have been keeping up with your blog since the very begining and follow it every day...Nobody can tell you not to worry..Its natural.Just try to enjoy this last week and post lotsd of pictures..Can't wait for Heathers little one to arrive

SMHoitsma said...

Jill, It's normal to worry about your baby. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family! Congrats on the little guy!!! :)

Teresa said...

Jill, I just stopped by from Little Ones to Him Belong Wednesday and wanted to visit with a few of the families listed and God led me to your link. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and friends that you have a safe delivery and give birth to a healthy precious baby.

Playing With Angels

Bryanne said...

I'm praying for you. Our son Ethan passed away just a few months before your Joshua and in three weeks I will deliver his little sister, who has the same heart defect he did. I can't help but be gripped by fear at times. I guess what I'm trying to say is you are heavy on my heart. I fully believe Luke will be perfectly healthy, but I know you are worried- and understandably so. As for your critics, they should be ashamed of themselves, and it is a sad world we live in that they are not. I'm glad you will have someone moderating your comments for you and I hope you only have knowledge of the people who are overjoyed for you, as I am. When Luke gets here, he will not replace Joshua, but he will bring you such joy. With love and prayers...

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