Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Joshua's Daddy

I don't talk about much on this blog other than myself- my life, my feelings, my emotions.

I struggle with how much to share about Shane and his deepest thoughts and feelings. I want to respect his privacy, but at the same time make it known that this is not just a one (wo)man show that is just about me.

I haven't written much about his journey with grief. Even though he loves that I have this blog as my outlet, I don't ever want to overstep boundaries and put his life out there like I put mine. We are one, but we are two separate people with two very different ways of processing grief, love, marriage, and parenting.

After Joshua died, I tried to protect him fiercely from the attacks against our family. It was bad enough that we lost Joshua, but because of my words, I brought added attacks, phone calls, and threats to our deepest time of grief. I couldn't help but feel guilty for the added pain that I brought to him as we walked through those first days, weeks, and months after Joshua's death.

Because of that, I won't share where he works, what he does, or even where we have moved to. I don't share much of the deep conversations that we have had about losing Joshua, continuing on with life, and plans for the future. It's all in an effort to protect his privacy. He knows everything that I write about him, and nothing gets published that he doesn't approve of first.

But I also want you to realize that he struggles- like any father and husband does when they experienced a loss so deep. He struggles with the loss of his little boy. He struggles with the fact that he wasn't at the hospital every day, like I was. He struggles with the fact that he wasn't there when Joshua died. This was his loss too, even if I have been more public with it than he has.

Shane was and is Joshua's daddy. His love for Joshua (and Caleb, Hannah, and Luke for that matter) runs so much deeper than I could ever imagine. He sacrificed his time with Joshua to continue providing financially for our family. He sacrificed his time with Joshua to give Caleb and Hannah some sense of stability during the chaos of Joshua's 51 days of life. He sacrificed of himself, time and time again, to make sure that our family would survive. He made sacrifices that I'm not sure I could ever make, and he's done it with grace, strength, love, and compassion.

And he succeeded. That husband of mine has been such a pillar of strength for our family. He has set aside his own selfish desires and his personal needs to make sure that our family is taken care of. He endured months of hardships at his work, fighting every day to keep his job, to ensure that we had health insurance and a pay check. He sacrificed his sleep, his down time, and his time with his son to give our family what we needed to continue on.


Since Joshua's death, I have only seen him cry a handful of times. His pain is real and raw, but he has held it together- mourning during the quiet times when he is alone, never wanting to add pain to my grief. He has always been strong when I didn't know how I was going to get out of bed. He has answered Caleb and Hannah's questions about death and Heaven, all the while, holding back his tears so that they would have a complete understanding that death is not final- that we will see Joshua again as long as we believe in Jesus Christ.

His mourning is very different than mine. It's very personal to him. His pain runs extremely deep and is very raw. There are very few people that he has really talked with about losing his precious 3rd child.

As we are facing Joshua's first birthday in the next week, I don't want Shane to be forgotten. Joshua was and is his son too. Joshua's death was Shane's loss too. Even though I am more verbal and public with it, know that this is not all about me- this is about his brother, sister and daddy, too. 



6 comments:

Beverley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beverley said...

I see love everywhere in your family, Jill

Mellow said...

And how deep the pain flows within them when they lose a precious child. In my heart I know right where you all are. Praying for you, your precious kiddo's and your wonderful husband this next week. May you feel God's love and peace all around you.

Auntie M said...

Beautifully written and a sweet reminder of what daddies go thru too. Praying for your whole family during this time~I know birthdays and anniversaries are even tougher than the day-to-day grief...

Bryanne said...

This post is a beautiful tribute to an obviously amazing husband and daddy. Thinking of and praying for you all as sweet Joshua's First Birthday nears. Much love to you and your family...

leah said...

Jill
Shane is all those things and more. You are one blessed wife to have such a loving husband. I love you all and am keeping you all in my prayers. As well as remembering joshua's sweet, sweet 51 days!

 
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