Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dear Joshua,

Oh sweet Joshua.

Where do I start?

I suppose Happy 1st Birthday is a good place to start!

It was exactly a year ago today that I saw your big beautiful eyes for the first time. I held you for a brief few minutes before you were whisked away to be cared for by others who were more qualified to provide the care you needed than I could ever give you.



From the moment I saw you, I was filled with more love and hope than I had ever experienced in my life. The moment I laid eyes on you, something within me was awakened. I loved you fiercely and knew that I would do anything to fight for you, to protect you, and to let you go if it came to it.

Joshua you brought life to my life. You awakened my faith, brought joy, and opened my eyes to what is really important in this life. You allowed me to love and lose fully. You opened my heart and my eyes to an entire world that I didn't know existed. You softened me, you broke me, and you completed me, and when you died, you took a piece of me that I will never get back.

Joshua, you only lived for 51 days. Those 51 days were torment for your daddy and I as well as your brother and sister, but we wouldn't have traded those 51 days for ANYTHING in the world. I saw you fight for your life like I had never seen anyone do before. I saw wisdom in your eyes, even though you couldn't speak. I saw God work in and through your life in ways that I have never experienced in my 20+ years of being a Believer.

Joshua, this day is an extremely hard day for me. We should be throwing you a party, allowing you to dig into your cake and make a mess of yourself. Instead, I can hardly utter the words "Happy Birthday" without tears. But I know that you are still here. You are celebrating at the feet of Jesus. I can't even begin to imagine what that is like for you. I'm resting in the fact that I will see you again, and we can celebrate your birthday for all of eternity once we join you. Oh how I long for that day.

So, my sweet baby, Happy 1st Birthday. I love you so SO much.

Love,

Your Mama



10 comments:

Amy Bennett said...

Jill, you are such an amazing mother and Joshua was so lucky to have you as his mother. Your love for him shines through in everything you say, in everything you do, in everything you write. I can only imagine how difficult today will be. I am thinking of you and praying for you all day, that in the midst of unspeakable pain God might give you the comfort in knowing that, as you said, Joshua is indeed celebrating at the feet of Jesus. Heart hugs...

Beth said...

Happy Birthday dear Joshua. May God bless your family with an unexplainable peace and joy in the coming weeks and years.

Jessica said...

Happy Birthday Joshua!! Hope the party is awesome in heaven.

Joe said...

Praying for you and your family today and always Jill.

Happy 1st Birthday Joshua!

Ausmerican Housewife said...

Happy 1st birthday Mr. Squishy Cheeks Joshua!

Be sure to have some cake in Heaven and to have an extra big mess made, as your momma would want it. ;)

-Mrs. Kara

Mellow said...

Praying for you today. I pray you find joy, and more hope than you could have ever imagined. I would like to think that he and my little Johnny are hanging out playing, and having a party together, playing jokes on Jesus. :) Be blessed today.

Christine said...

Happy Birthday Joshua!! We think of you often! *hugs and snuggles*

El said...

Thinking of you today.. <3

Bryanne said...

Happy (Belated) Birthday, Sweet Joshua... you are so loved!

Leah said...

Happy birthday Joshua!

 
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