Oh sweet Joshua.
Where do I start?
I suppose Happy 1st Birthday is a good place to start!
It was exactly a year ago today that I saw your big beautiful eyes for the first time. I held you for a brief few minutes before you were whisked away to be cared for by others who were more qualified to provide the care you needed than I could ever give you.
From the moment I saw you, I was filled with more love and hope than I had ever experienced in my life. The moment I laid eyes on you, something within me was awakened. I loved you fiercely and knew that I would do anything to fight for you, to protect you, and to let you go if it came to it.
Joshua you brought life to my life. You awakened my faith, brought joy, and opened my eyes to what is really important in this life. You allowed me to love and lose fully. You opened my heart and my eyes to an entire world that I didn't know existed. You softened me, you broke me, and you completed me, and when you died, you took a piece of me that I will never get back.
Joshua, you only lived for 51 days. Those 51 days were torment for your daddy and I as well as your brother and sister, but we wouldn't have traded those 51 days for ANYTHING in the world. I saw you fight for your life like I had never seen anyone do before. I saw wisdom in your eyes, even though you couldn't speak. I saw God work in and through your life in ways that I have never experienced in my 20+ years of being a Believer.
Joshua, this day is an extremely hard day for me. We should be throwing you a party, allowing you to dig into your cake and make a mess of yourself. Instead, I can hardly utter the words "Happy Birthday" without tears. But I know that you are still here. You are celebrating at the feet of Jesus. I can't even begin to imagine what that is like for you. I'm resting in the fact that I will see you again, and we can celebrate your birthday for all of eternity once we join you. Oh how I long for that day.
So, my sweet baby, Happy 1st Birthday. I love you so SO much.