"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
As I shared in my post a few days ago, I am tired. My body needs rest. My soul needs nourishment and rejuvenation. I need to allow myself time to heal my mind, my body, and my soul.
There is a lot on my heart and my mind lately, and while it may sound like I'm really struggling- I'm really not. I'm allowing myself to feel the things that I need to feel and allowing myself to deal with the pain and struggles that accompany the insurmountable grief that comes along with the loss of a child.
This is where my weakness has been- wallowing in self pity, letting the emotions take over, and letting the pain have it's way in my heart. I have reached the point, where my body is tired from beating on the chest of God. Physically fighting him, kicking and screaming at the top of my lungs. Much like a small child fighting sleep- screaming and crying and thrashing about until sheer exhaustion sets in and he can finally rest in a deep sleep. I am exhausted from fighting Him, and I'm finally allowing myself to just rest and allow His power to take over.
I've struggled with feeling unfaithful to God- questioning who He is and how He could allow my sweet baby to die. I've struggled with how a loving God could allow His children to feel this much pain- how a loving God could allow so many innocent children to suffer and die from disease, neglect, and accidents.
But deep down, I have felt God working. He has been telling me to just rest in Him- allow my heart to feel what it needs to feel and trust that in His time, He will heal me. He has held me tightly as I have thrashed around violently, throwing punches in every direction- hoping to make a hit that will take away some of my pain and anger.
But I've learned that His grace has been more than enough for me and I am humbled at the grace that He continues to offer me as I hurl insult after insult at Him. He has gently reminded me that he can take whatever I throw at Him and He will still be there- loving and forgiving me.
Yes, indeed. His power has been made perfect in my weakness. His grace has been enough to sustain me and carry me through some of the darkest days of my life. His power is resting on me and in me- giving me the strength to get through another day, week, month, and year.
Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's messy. No, it's not easy. But His power is perfect and His grace is enough- even when I don't feel it.