Saturday, July 16, 2011

1 More Month

As the summer has come and is quickly fading, I have been trying to avoid looking at the date with each passing day.

With Caleb preparing for Kindergarten next month, and the arrival of our newest (and not yet named) baby coming a few months after that, avoiding the date has not been the easiest of tasks.

And while I have been avoiding the date, today's date hit me like a ton of bricks.

Exactly one month from today, my Joshua would have been 1 year old.

Today marks his 11 month birthday.

I have a few friends on Facebook who have babies that are the same age Joshua should be. Every month, they post pictures, updates of milestones reached, and share the newest sounds or giggles that their precious ones make.

I can't look at them.

Next month, these parents will be posting pictures of their child's first birthday party. Their baby's face and hands covered in cake. Parents smiling and laughing at the mess that they have to clean up.

Not us.

I can't even begin to think about August 16th.

I want to honor Joshua and remember him on his birthday, but I simply cannot bring myself to even want a celebration for him.

Can you imagine?

A birthday cake?
Family and friends gathered around?
Everyone ready to celebrate his life. Everyone there- but the birthday boy himself. 

I can't fake the smiles or the laughter. The pain is too deep and too raw.

How painful. To have a celebration of life, when that life has been gone for 10 months. That life that never got to experience life outside of a hospital.

I can't do it.

Don't get me wrong. I am celebrating his life. I am thankful for the 51 days that he was here. His 51 days of life changed my life forever. But I can't do it. I can't even begin to think about his birthday. 


Jessica said...

praying for you today and every day Jill. I love you!

Amy said...

Oh sweet friend, how my heart aches for you right now. Seriously, I hurt for you. There are no rules when it comes to celebrating/remembering/honoring a lost loved one's birthday. You do whatever you have to do, want to do, and feel comfortable doing, even if it means doing nothing at all other than holing up in your house and allowing yourself to grieve (which is what my mother does every year on my sister's birthday). You're on my heart <3

Peach said...

I'll be praying for you guys. If you want to have a celebration for him, that's cool... but you will never have to fake a smile for anyone. No one should feel like they have the right to judge the tears you cry, especially not when you and your family is struggling with such monumental pain (and joy on occasion).

With love,

H said...

Just know that whatever you decide to do or not do will be what's best for you and your sweet family...hugs...<3

BlessedMommy said...

I'm so sorry, Jill. I fear I'm one of "those moms" who causes you pain :(

You celebrate Joshua the way it feels right for you to celebrate him. There's no "right" way.

I'm sorry... Just so sorry.

Christine said...

I'm sad to be one of "those moms" too! :( I wish our dreams for Charlie and Joshua meeting had worked out. *HUG* I'm so sorry and I think of you and Joshua often.

Stephanie, Daughter of the Risen King said...

We celebrated his life when we lost him. We can do it again. Milestones are poopy. I am with ya. But, I am still so thankful that we had him for the short time we did. What if we never had him at all? I can't imagine that.

contemplationsofahousewife said...


When I was facing down my own 1yr, I ignored, denied it, etc. It wasn't until a week before that we figured out what we wanted to do, to remember Michael.
We finally decided on going to a local park, with the scrapbooks I'd made, and to release balloons. Everyone that came, had a chance to write notes to Michael, a fact that I love to remember, but wished I'd known what was said to him. It was simple, but perfect.

Whatever you decide, will be perfect. Even if it's nothing at all. <3 There is no wrong way to remember our babies.

Wish I were there to cry, laugh, eat ice cream, watch Twilight or whatever else you choose to do.

I will be praying, instead.

Lots of love and hugs,


Katie said...

It was really on my heart to write to you tonight, and you don't have to put this up in the comments. I just wanted to let you know how important your story is to me, and how much I have learned about grief from you. I've learned to accept myself and my reactions, and to have faith through it all, even when I can't feel God's presence. Your path has been so much harder than mine, and I am reminded every time you post that there is life mixed in with grief.
I have no way to understand how hard this coming month will be for you and your family, but I pray that you can find some comfort and a way to celebrate and honor Joshua that helps you all continue to heal.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. If it's still a healthy thing for you, please keep the posts coming! You're a gifted writer and a wonderful mother, and I'm learning a lot about how I want to raise my future children from your example.
Sorry for such a long comment, something just told me that you needed to hear good things tonight. Peace be with you, Katie

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