Moving Forward and Hope

Before Joshua died, my biggest fear was him dying.

 I didn't think I could possibly survive if he didn't live.

There have certainly been times after he died that I felt like I could live no longer.

But I've not had much of a choice.

There have been many people who have innocently said "I could never be as strong as you. I couldn't handle what you have been through."

And while that is flattering, it's not quite true.

I didn't have a choice in the cards that were dealt. I didn't choose to have a critically ill child- and quite honestly, I wouldn't have chosen that path for myself or my family. I didn't choose for my son to die. It's what life has thrown at me, and I've had no choice but to continue moving forward.

With that being said, there have also been others who have said that they don't know why I have continued to blog so publicly. They don't understand how I can write about such raw emotions and faith struggles. They think I should have thrown in the towel a long time ago, and focused on my family rather than pouring myself into my blog.

Here is where I struggle.

Yes, I blogged daily during the life of Joshua. Yes, I Tweeted, Facebooked, and blogged when things got rough. No, that was not my first priority and never will be. No, I have not made blogging and social networking a priority over time spent with my family.

Blogging has been a part of my life in one form or another for the past 6 years. I started a blog (on another platform) when I found out that I was pregnant with Caleb. It has always been a way for me to process and record the struggles that we have faced. It has also been a way to record our triumphs and joys.

If I had given up blogging after Joshua died, I'm not sure where I would be today- even with all of the heartache it has brought. Personally, blogging has been such a good way for me to connect with others who have experienced what we have. It has been a great way for our struggles to make a difference in others lives. It has been one of the many ways that I have coped with the emotions and struggles of losing my son.

If I had just given up blogging because of the defeat that I felt, I would have been, in my mind, rolling over and letting go of life. To me, giving up one of the things that I love the most would not have been an effective way to deal with my grief. By continuing to blog, I am continuing to move forward with life- and when you struggle with grief like I have, moving forward with life and not becoming defeated is a GOOD THING!

The same goes for having another baby. We are not trying to replace Joshua. Nothing could or will replace him. NOTHING. But, God has given us this life, and just because we lost Joshua doesn't mean that we should stop living. By having another baby, we are acknowledging the life that was here for 51 days, but we are also acknowledging the fact that we are still living and need to continue to move forward. Not only for our lives, but for the lives of Caleb and Hannah.

We have started fresh. We are in a new home, we are looking for a new church, and our "group" of friends has changed drastically. We are not forgetting the past, we never will forget the past. We are simply pressing on, determined to not get stuck in our grief and to live a full and healthy life.

As my sister in law stated the other day, "The devil cannot steal my Joy." He cannot take away the promise of our Eternal Life through the blood of Jesus. He cannot force me to give up on life. He cannot take away the freedom and joy that we have found in moving forward, even when every fiber of my being screams to just admit defeat and give up all together.

The pain and sadness are still there, but there is hope. Hope for a good life filled with love, joy and peace. There is the Hope of life after death, both in Heaven and here on Earth. We just need to continue moving forward, one day and one step at a time- and that's exactly what I intend to do!