Tuesday, May 31, 2011

All Mixed Up

I'm always amazed at the hold that grief has on me sometimes.

It feels like some days, I'm constantly struggling to remember what was lost, but also remember the blessings of the present.

Today is one of those days. One of the many days that I am constantly fighting the tears and looking for reasons to laugh. It's one of those days, that when I catch myself laughing, it feels SO good, but then it's almost immediately taken over by some sort of sadness. Not necessarily the paralyzing sadness that knocks me to my knees in grief but rather a bittersweet sadness that brings the smallest tear to my eye and causes me to take a moment and remember what was lost and how painful the journey has been.

As I'm packing up the last few odds and ends of our house, I remembering everything that these walls hold. Joy, hope for the future, ignorance of what could truly be, family, love, and hard work. All of these things are wrapped into this house that we have made our home for the last 6 years.

We've brought 3 of our children home to this house. 2 of them have grown and learned here. 1 of them came for a brief time after he was already gone. Bringing him home wasn't for him, it was for us- for our children. Life has been created here- 4 times. Life that was made out of a love so powerful that we have survived the darkest days of our lives.

This was the first home Shane and I bought as a married couple. There have been many struggles within these walls, but there have been even more triumphs.These walls have heard our wails and our mourning. They have heard our shouts of joy in the discovery of new life growing inside. These walls have been our refuge in our darkest moments- when we wanted the outside world to completely disappear.

And now we are leaving. It's time to leave, but it's bittersweet. This house is literally falling apart as we speak. The foundation is slowly crumbling and the walls seep water. It's time that we leave this place and start over. It's time that we start building memories in a new place that will be big enough for our growing family. It's time to live in a home much nicer and much cheaper than this. But it hurts. The memories, the hard work, the feeling of security within these walls.

I'm looking forward to the future. I'm looking forward to a fresh start. I'm looking forward to creating new memories and a sense of security. But my feelings of excitement are being pulled away by that small sense of sadness of everything lost.


Hazel Nut said...

May your future be blessed, your past be unburdened and both hold a peace that will carry you through.

I wish you the best of luck in the next chapter of your life.

Beth said...

You are not alone in that, Jill. Leaving a house where you have raised your children for all of their lives is difficult at best. You take the memories with you. It's hard, I know. We lived in our first house for 6 years too. We left with tears of sadness and joy too. It is all just a reminder that this world is not our home. We are heaven bound! Some day we will kiss this world goodbye for the incomparable riches of our Heavenly Father. Leaving a house that has been a home is practice for then. It keeps us clinging more to him and sometimes helps us keep our perspective. I love you sis and can honestly say I share this grief with you from experience. As always I am praying for you.

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you." 2 Thessalonians 3: 16

McEngland like the McCountry said...

It really took me by surprise how emotional I was when we moved and sold our house. Especially the porch. I bought the home before I met my beloved husband, we had our first kiss on the porch. THe porch was where we had the "DO you think we'll get married and have babies?" talk and where he proposed marriage about 9 months late. It was also where we made a nursery for our firstborn. When we sold it to a single girl this past fall I just wished her well and prayed that the house could see her through all the love and happy times that I found while living inside those walls.

The sting of leaving your first "I'm an adult" home will only last for a little bit. You'll be moving to a happier place tomorrow! I'm praying for you and wishing you all the love in the world.

Stephanie said...

I hope tomorrow as you settle in your new home that you are filled with nothing but joy!! i hated where we were living before we moved but, I too shed tears the day we left. It was our first home together and where we brought our then 2 babies home. Kody took his first steps in our bedroom and where we had 1st birthday parties. So bittersweet as it was I was also glad to get our new/bigger home.

Lis said...

I'm not sure what to say really as I'm pretty all mixed up myself today...I just wanted to mention a website that I find helpful sometimes, not that you have time to read but maybe later..It's hellogrief.org...Has a lot of resources and information..Praying brightness ahead for your family.

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