Monday, April 25, 2011


I've been slowly trying to pack our house up for our big move on June 1st.

I've been doing extremely well...until today.

I was packing away all of my Willow Tree figurines. Joshua's urn is displayed among them.

I picked up that little box. The top of it was slightly covered in dust. I wanted to open it but I couldn't.

It was too painful. I didn't want to see the ugly gray dust that used to once be his beautiful skin, eyes, hair, and body....

How is it fair that the only remenants of my baby that will be with us for the rest of this life are his ashes? How is it fair that we don't get to create a special room for him in our new house? How is it fair that all of his things are coming with us, the only thing missing is HIM....

It's not fair....and I'm tired of the pain. (I realize that life isn't fair, that death is a result of sin within this world, and I realize that there is still hope- I WILL see my baby again one day... but some days it's not enough for me...)

My bad days are becoming less and less. I am smiling every day. I laugh and joke. I can look at his pictures without the paralyzing pain of his death looming over me. I can remember him without falling to my knees in grief. But then something like that happens and it knocks the wind out of me like a swift punch to the gut. My baby is dead. Only his ashes will be coming with us.

This sucks and I'm done packing.


Mandie Hamrick said...

It is so unfair. It totally sucks. And you are being prayed for. :(

I'm sorry I don't have anything encouraging to say.

Deanna said...

Hugs! :(

Sara said...

Girl, I'm right there with you. I want to give a FLAT.OUT.THREE.YEAR.OLD.TANTRUM about the "fairness" of this world.
I would win a damn Oscar for my preformance! ;)
It sucks that Joshua is not in you arms right now. I'm so sorry for that.
Hold on to that hope, even if it's with your finger nails, that way they'll be some good ol scratch marks (:P)
sending you love and prayers.

brooke said...

I had to have someone else go pick up my little guys ashes. Some one who's house I never go to. Because I don't even want to think about them. Maybe someday.

HipMama said...

I'm sending you lots of love today, mama.

Praise God for the gift of His son and for the opportunity of everlasting life we have through Him.

You are in our prayers.

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