Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Not Forgotten

Over the past 5 months that Joshua has been gone, it has been pretty evident that I have struggled significantly with God.

I've questioned His decisions, His "realness," His grace, and His mercy. I've felt forgotten and abandoned- yet through all of it I have not given up on my faith (although at one point, I came very close to it...yikes.....). I have spent many hours on my knees clinging to the tiny amount of faith that I had left, begging God not to forget me.

It's been a bumpy and ugly journey, but God is proving faithful (I knew deep down  that He would).

He has shown us that He has NOT forgotten us. He is continuing to pour out His blessings and love in tangible and real ways.

For example: We took the kids to the cardiologist to get both of their hearts checked out.

The cardiologist walked into our room, shook our hands, and immediately sat down. He looked Shane and I straight in our eyes and said, "You have been tested over these past few months, and God wants you to know that you have passed. You have passed with flying colors and He is pleased with you. He will continue to test you, but you have pleased him and you need to trust that everything will be Ok."

This doctor is a man of faith, but it was evident in his office and his clothing that he is not a man of my faith. However, his words were genuine and I felt The Spirit whispering to me in that moment. I believe God can make himself evident through all types of people and all types of faith. He can work through anyone that He wants to work through, and at that moment, He used this doctor to bring reassurance and love to us in a way that we hadn't experienced. He showed us that we are not forgotten and that we are loved.

I haven't been around much because I've been focusing on my family and on spending more time with God. I've been working on accepting God's love, grace, and forgiveness after I have been so ugly to Him. I'm not deserving of His grace after the way that I've acted, yet he continues to cover me in it. The easy part is saying I'm sorry, the hard part is allowing God's forgiveness to wash over me and comfort me.

He has not forgotten me. He still loves me and He is pouring out His blessings in my life.


nicugradsmom said...

You make my heart happy.....Love you ♥

Mandie Hamrick said...

So, with the doctor saying that, does that mean your kids' hearts are fine? Either way, how awesome that a DOCTOR said that! I've yet to find one that will openly talk about Jesus.

Megan@TrueDaughter said...

Amazing that a doctor would say that - the Holy Spirit must have moved him to do so. Blessings to you and your family!

Sara said...

We are in a situation that has us wondering where is God, and like you he has placed us in a strangers hands to give us diffecult news and reassurance.
We are loosing our house, July 1st is the date in my head. July 10th is the actual date. I have no idea where we will be going as of yet, I have ideas...but nothing concrete.
This is a test in trust for me, this is a test in letting go of control for my husband. I am clinging to the hope that when we come out the other side: We will be stronger, we will be MORE faithful.
Depression is a constant battle for me, always there creeping around, but through blogs like yours I look to HIM, I am choosing to lean on HIM, because it has been model for me through the blogs I am drawn to.
Hugs to you and to that amazing Dr.!

Anonymous said...

God has not forgotten you, He loves you and is proud of you. Just as Joshua was and IS STILL your beloved child, you are God's. Keep looking for moments in your day that God shows you He's paying attention. It could be anything... even small things.
I'm sure your way too busy, but if you have a moment to jot those moments down, then when darkness tries to overtake you, you can read solid evidence written by your own hand - ways that God is showing Himself to you. It's just a thought.
You've been through a lot, and you've come a long way. And none of it surprises our all-knowing, loving father. He knows you hurt and He hurts with you.
Continuing to pray for you and your family.

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