I know for me, personally, I struggle with the "what if's" all the time?
What if...I had done something differently during my pregnancy with Joshua?
What if...I had just trusted God more?
What if...I prayed harder or had more people praying?
What if...my dad had not woken me up the morning Joshua died and I wasn't there when he died?
What if...I hadn't felt so emotionally and physically exhausted the night before he died?
What if...we had done something differently?
What if...he lived?
I've come to realize something about asking "What if?"
It's pointless.
To me, asking "What if" makes me believe the lie that I had/have some control over my life.
Asking "What if" is a lie that Satan is putting in my mind and in my heart, to try to take my focus off of God and onto myself.
There is no point to asking "What if."
I had no control over Joshua's life. The doctor's had no control over Joshua's life. The surgeons and nurses, for as skilled and trained as they are, had absolutely no control over Joshua's life.
What if the procedure from the day before caused Joshua's death? What if it didn't? It doesn't matter. None of us had any control over Joshua's life from the very beginning.
Psalm 139:16 says "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Plain and simple. Procedure or no procedure- Joshua's days were numbered at 51. There is no "except for if you...." in that statement....
Joshua wasn't supposed to even make it to 18 weeks gestational age according to doctors. He wasn't supposed to ever even see my face. We were just waiting for him to die inside me. But God had a plan. I had faith in His plan. No matter what.
Joshua was born. He flew through the first surgery without any complications at all. His chances of making it through that surgery were very VERY slim. But, he made it. It was the plan all along- God's plan. I had faith in it.
Joshua struggled starting at 1 month old. Anything that could go wrong, went wrong. The simplest of things, from feeding to breathing, were hard for him at some point. There were times that we weren't sure if he was going to make it. The doctors said they had no idea how he was even alive after the first time he coded. But God had a plan. We had no control over the situation- even though we convinced ourselves that we did. I had faith in God's plan.
The day Joshua died, he had 7 shots of epinephrine to try to get his heart beating again. They kept his little heart beating by beating on his chest with their fists and forcing air into his lungs with a bag and a tube. By human standards he should have lived. That is the proper protocol for when people code. But God was in control and he answered my pleading and begging for my child's life to be spared with a resounding "No." He had and still has a plan. I trust it- no matter how painful it is and how badly I want to run from it.
I find that I simply cannot ask "What if." It will not bring Joshua back. "What if" will not help my healing. What if is not an acceptable question- it is feeding into Satan's lie that I/we have control. I have no control- over my life, my husband's life, or my children's lives. I HAVE NO CONTROL.
But I do have faith.
Pure and simple faith.
Faith that allows God to work in whatever way He needs to work.
Faith, that will one day get me to Heaven to spend eternity with those who believe in Him.
Galatians 5:1 says "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
My prayer is that the yoke of slavery- asking "What if"- does not burden me any longer- that Christ has set me free. I will stand firm in His promises, and pray that I simply trust in His plan for my life.
It is not my place to ask "What if." It is not my place to ask "Why." (although I've done plenty of both of those things.) I just have to have pure and simple faith that God knows what He is doing. Since Joshua's life and death, I have, for the first time in my life, been able to say "My life is not my own, Lord, it is Yours. Do as you please."
That simple prayer is the most freeing and most terrifying prayer I have ever prayed.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
9 comments:
Amen to this post! Worded beautifully! Very inspiring....thank you!
I may link up to this at some point because I think it is a very relative point to all of us who are feeling human beings and it's a good reminder that we cannot change anything...
"Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes..."
Ephesians 6:10 and following
Last Sunday our pastor preached on this passage. One thing he said stuck with me... putting on the armor of God is not something we should have to do. It should be the byproduct of our walk with Him. As we grow closer to Him, putting on His armor becomes automatic. I realized that, for myself, I was only putting on God's armor when I thought I "needed it." In reality, we need it every day, trials or not. The belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of the gospel of peace, the helmet of salvation, the shield of faith (with which we can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one), and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. These are the things that we should wear ALL THE TIME. We should not even have to think about putting them on. They protect us and allow us to go on the offensive. "We do not fight against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world." I pray that you remember these tools that God has given us. I know I had forgotten about them for a while. Now that I have been reminded, I want to walk in them daily. Still praying for you and the family, Jill. Be blessed and "grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."
This reminds me of a song that is very special to me when I'm going through hard times or times that I don't understand. It's by a group "Jesus Culture" and it's called "Your Love Never Fails." No matter what happens, God's love will hold us and keep us. Praying for you!
I struggled with my own issues of "What If" yesterday to and had to keep reminding myself that God was and is in control. Thank You Jesus for helping us both through yesterday.
The problem with responding to your posts is this.... You already have it figured out! You don't need advice, you just need an ear. You have to have a strong relationship with God in order to come to the conclusions that you do and it's amazing to watch. Well said!
amen! let the healing begin! as the porn widow wrote, you do know what's what, you just need time to come around fully to it again...it takes time... baby steps... you are amazing...
Beautiful thoughts!!! You've come a long way. I'm so pleased to hear these statements that show spiritual growth. Praying for your continued peace.
Beautiful words, Jill. You are an incredibly strong woman, even if you don't always feel like it. You are inspiring. We're still praying for you...
~Shannon
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