Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Dear Caleb,

Oh sweet Caleb. What can I write to you? My heart is so full because of who you are and who you are becoming.

Caleb, I don't know how to properly say what I want to say to you. My heart is so overwhelmed with love and joy for and about you.

Caleb- you have no idea what you have done to help me through this past year.

You are my spirited child- my red head. You have an attitude just like your mommy and a stubborn disposition that I could just wring your neck for some days. But Caleb, that is what I love about you. You are just like me.

At 4 years old, you have been through more in your lifetime than other children your age. You have had to grow and stretch and learn things that no child should ever have to learn so young. You have looked death in the face and learned the reality of how fragile life really is. Yet you are so resilient.

The first and last time that we brought Joshua home from the hospital, you were glowing. You were the proud big brother of a baby boy with an extremely special heart. You didn't care that Joshua was sick or different- all you cared about was your love and protection for your brother. You beamed as you saw his small body in my arms. You quietly looked at him in your daddy's arms and told him how much you love him.

Caleb, it broke my heart into a million pieces to tell you that you wouldn't get the chance to see your brother grow up. It shattered my soul to hear your wails as we told you he was dead. I could hardly handle hearing "BUT I DON'T WANT MY BROTHER TO BE DEAD!!!" coming from your tiny mouth.

I wish that was something that you never had to experience. The pain of seeing you suffering was worse than my pain of losing my 2nd son. My heart ached for you. I would have traded my soul to be able to take that pain from your eyes as you said good bye.

But Caleb, I want you to know something. You, along with your sister, have saved my life. If it weren't for you, I would have had no reason to continue living. You and your sister are my reasons to get out of bed on the days that the pain is too great.

Your silly sense of humor, your funny stories, your gentle words and love are what keep me going, day in and day out. The funny things you say keep me laughing, and your love keeps my heart beating. Without you, I would be gone.

Caleb, I want you to know how much I love you. You are my first born. You were born at a time that I wasn't ready for you, but God had a plan. He knew that I was going to need you. He knew that it was you that was going to help give me strength to continue on. I thank God for you every day. 

I also want you to know that just last week, you came up to me out of the blue and told me that you have God in your heart and that you love Him. It is my prayer for you, that you continue to love Him and follow Him. Caleb, God is going to do great things through you. He has called you to be His, and even at your young age, I see Him working through you. I pray for you daily- I pray that you will grow in His word, that you will love Him with your whole heart, and that you will know eternity in Heaven with Him through the blood of Jesus.

Caleb, thank you. Thank you for being my son. Thank you for loving me when I just don't have the strength to be a good mother to you. Thank you for your spunky attitude and your sense of humor. Thank you for your life.

I love you with my whole heart, my sweet boy.


Your Mama


Cindy S. said...

Tears are streaming down my face - can't help it. I am so sorry you and your family have had to endure this hardship. I am thankful, though, that we have a Loving God who understands our grief and can relate to that kind of pain.
I pray that you can continue to drive home the fact to Caleb and Hannah that God does love them and is present in their lives and that He has a plan for each of them.
KNOW that you all are loved, inspite of what you might think. KNOW that God is working in your life and the life of your family. KNOW that others take strength in your faith and trust in God. And KNOW that so many people are continuing to pray for you and are lifting you up to our Heavenly Father. But, also KNOW that you don't have to pretend to be somebody you're not.
You are you and no one can change that. You are unique and a blessing to many.
Enjoy making/building Mario this week. How fun!

Continued prayers and blessings to you and your family. Love you ~ Cindy S.

Jennifer said...

All three of your children are special to me!!

McEngland like the McCountry said...

Such a beautiful tribute.

The Porn Widow said...

Love it! Children are so open to being a vessel for God. They are willing and because they are willing God can do things through them that He can't do through us. Such a beautiful letter. Love.

Jeremy, Censie & Jude said...

An amazing post. Your children are so strong...all of them! ;) Continue the love and healing.

PS - I nominated you! http://buildingourstory.blogspot.com/2011/01/stylish-blogger-award.html

Heather and Adam said...

Oh Jill you sure know how to make me cry! Your children are so amazing and strong!

Jessica said...

aww beautiful post. he sounds like an awesome little boy!!

Peach said...

Jill, that was powerful and moving. I'm looking at my oldest right now, and his personality is so strong, even at one. This letter has helped renew my adoration for him.

I'm so glad you have your children there with you to help you grieve and grow.

Hugs and Prayers,
Peach and Drummer

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