Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A Journey

I've been blogging as "Fierce and Feisty" for just over a year now.

My blog has evolved over the past year. It started off mostly about me, my family, and our adventures. It continued onto my struggles with being on bedrest- waiting for my baby to die inside of me. Then it morphed into my struggles with coming to terms with having an HLHS baby. Later, when Joshua was born, it became my way of working through my long and exhausting days at the hospital- keeping family and friends up to date on Joshua's life. It became a way for me to connect with others who had traveled this road.

Then Joshua died.

It became a source of stress as we were being attacked, but I couldn't give it up because it had become my only way of really processing through my feelings and emotions. It has transformed into my safe place (even though the nasty comments continue to come). It is now the only place that I can share what is on my heart. I can't speak of most of the things that I write- not because I don't want to, I can't talk about them because they are too deeply personal. To raw and filled with emotion.

As I've been going to therapy, I've been struggling to figure out who I am. I feel like I'm that awkward girl in middle school again, trying to understand the changes within myself, rebeling against everything that I've ever been taught yet trying to maintian some sort of innocence and purity. Trying not to let the nasty things that people say about me affect me. Trying to figure out my role, what defines me, what is most important to me.

My blog has documented this journey. The good, the bad, the funny, the ugly, and the stupid. It has become my way of trying to figure out who I am again- what makes me laugh, what is important to me, how to live in a world that someone will always dislike you- no matter what you do. How to handle criticism, cowards, "popularity", and support.

It's been a balancing act of trying to figure out how much to share and how to get the wording just right to truly express my feelings and thoughts. It has been a struggle to figure out where to go from here.

But I've realized something. I love my readers. I love the ones who read faithfully. I love the ones who have committed to praying for and uplifiting our family with their kind words. But it's not about my readers.

My blog is about me. It is my sanity is the midst of chaos. It's not about the number of people that read everyday. It's not about making a name for myself. It's not about gaining fame and fortune. (hence the lack of ads)

More importantly this blog is about sharing the Hope that I have in Christ. It is about honoring Him by sharing the Truth that I know can transform lives. It's about sharing my ever growing, changing, and unperfect faith with others, in hopes that they will take something from my struggles and grow their own faith into something beautiful.

This blog will continue on. This blog will continue to share what some believe to be too much information. This blog will continue to help me figure out who I am and who I will become. This blog will continue to have some of the most amazing readers on the face of the earth who walk along side me and play a crucial role in helping me to become Me.

I've come to realize that this blog IS me- truthfully raw, stupidly silly, and trustingly open and honest.



17 comments:

sidsmom2mickey said...

I understand a lot of the emotions, thoughts and feelings you're going through. I'm still going through mine, still trying to figure out who I am, now that I'm not a 'mom' anymore. Having and then losing my son changes the very core of who I thought I was. Or does it? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. It takes a lot of energy, thought and honesty with ones self to get to the bottom of who we'll end up being.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Peggy

CHD Fighter said...

Please keep sharing ... Jill I've found you to be such a good person, good writer, and I know you are just expressing what you are personally going through but every time I read your blog I can relate, whether to my childhood with CHD or to the fact that I lost my child because of it ... it's not easy being in this world of "broken hearts" and it's not always fun but knowing we can all lean and support eachother even if it's just by telling our stories still amazes me ... my parents didn't have this when I was born ... I didn't know if I wanted when I found out that even with CHD, I would still be having a baby with CHD, and I didn't know if I could deal with the critics when I lost my daughter to the two edged sword of CHD ... but I did ... one reason is because I came across your blog ... and saw how you kept fighting ... for the freedom to talk to people about your love of God and no matter what happened how you wanted your "critics" to be prayed for and left alone ... I thought "MY, this woman is a true Christian, you don't find too many of those and I'm surely guilty of not being one when times get too tough for me (I could have never prayed for my critics 5 years ago, now I have learned because of you to always do so!!)" I want to thank you for what you have done for me ... whether I met you in person or not ... whether you realize it or not ... you are important to me and have changed my life in ways you can't comprehend!! <3 Prayers your way!! <3

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Peggy- I struggle with that same question. But more importantly, i struggle with who I want to be. What do I want to define me? Being a "heart mom?" being an "infant loss survivor?" Being a mother, wife, SAHM, blogger? Ultimately, I want my identity to be in Christ and Christ alone, but I've had to question every belief I've ever had.

Erin- Thank you. I'm glad my life has made a difference in yours. That is my true desire! :o)

Danielle said...

I made a 4 hour drive to see my blogging friend while she was on a business trip. It is wonderful, and you seem like such a nice friend to have. God bless.

woohoo23 said...

I don't post very often, but I read most of your posts. I;m truly inspired by you Jill. You have a way of expressing how you are feeling and what is going on with you in a way that I don't think I can. It's not easy for me to put into words what's going on. My husband and I talk about you and Joshua a lot - you've both made an impact in our lives for sure. We are all constantly evolving and searching for who we are in this journey...thanks for letting us be a part of that journey!

Melissa, mom to Josie, 5-hlhs, strokeX2

baby foot fluff said...

i love to read your blog, it makes me cry sometimes, it makes me laugh, and it makes my journey back into christianity make sense. how have i come to care for a family that i have never met? i don't know, but i'm going with it. ((hugs)) tara

Angela said...

I have been wanting to thank you for your blog and this seems to be the perfect time. You have encouraged me so that I can encourage others in Christ. To see what you have gone through and your feelings and in the end turning to Christ is amazing to see. So again thank you for following God's direction and continuing to use your blog however He wants you to.

From a new friend on the other end of your blog.

BlessedMommy said...

You are so right! I need to blog, even if I were the only person who ever read it.

Your blog has done amazing things and I am so thankful to be able to read your posts!!

Christina said...

Jill,

I read your blog daily although I don't comment a lot. I also pray for you and your family daily. I love how you are open and honest on your blog.

Christina

sidsmom2mickey said...

Jill,

I think the change of words is definitely the right change. Instead of who 'will' I be, 'want' is a more proactive word. It means we have to search, seek and prayerfully consider what God wants from us. I don't know how to identify myself sometimes, being a mom of just one child who is now with God. So people who see me now, don't know I'm a mom. That is hard.
I think, at least for myself, that I will find who I'm meant to 'be' as long as I search the Bible for who God says I 'am' already, you know? It takes the guess work out of it for me...helps me to focus on the truth, not what I hear in my head. I know that sooner or later, who I am will be worked out for the glory of God...until then...I hold onto the simple truths of who He says I am right now. And right now, I have to make that enough for me as my energy isn't what is used to be.

I'm honored to know you in blogland, and if we ever get to meet, I know the hug I'd get from you would cause me to cry...I don't say that in a bad way. Whenever I meet a mother who's lost a son, all we do is hug. Its a completely different hug than any other I've had. Complete understanding, love and shared grief...it's almost inexplicable.

In His love n hands,
Peggy

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

peggy- i love that. looking to the bible for who we are right now. who god says we are. you are spot on.

and yes, there is just something about a hug from a mother who has lost so completely...heart wrenching yet healing in inexplicable ways.

StevenSauke said...

Thank you for sharing. You've also been an encouragement to me, and like Erin, I was very impressed when you asked us not to lash out at your critics. In the short time I've been following your blog and twitter, I've seen a lot of growth in you. I've seen a range of emotions, and I've hurt and laughed with you. I don't pretend to understand the pain of losing a child and then being blasted with a heavy barrage of persecution, but I'm praying, and I'm proud to have you as a sister in Christ.

sidsmom2mickey said...

Jill,
Sending love to you. Give yourself a big hug, and it's from me. :)

You have encouraged me with your honesty. Thank you.

Deidre said...

Love to you Jill!!!!!

Bobbi Janay said...

everything you said above is so true, it needs to be for you first.

Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...

Beautifully said...

Ross said...

Jill,

I admire you for the person that you are. There is something to be said for showing yourself the way that you do. The raw and real way in which you do that makes me really appreciate you. Even though we have been down completely different roads I can really relate to you in how you write. I love how you make reference to it being about the sanity in the midst of the storm. That's the reason I write my blog! It's about understanding and coping in the middle of my storm. Maybe you could write a guestpost sometime on my site. I really enjoy your writing. Keep up the great work.

 
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