Saturday, December 11, 2010

Foreign Feelings

Bitterness, rage, jealousy.

I've been bitter towards people or situations before. But not like this.

I've felt anger that has turned into rage before. But not like this.

I've felt jealousy before. But nothing like this.

When Caleb was first born, someone said something to me about him that made me angry. I harbored that bitterness for a few years until I finally decided to just let it go.

I used to get extremely angry at my mom when I was younger. All I could do was scream at the top of my lungs. Then the fat angry tears would come. Once I just got it all out, things would be ok.

I used to get jealous over my friends see-through telephones, designer clothes, and fancy houses. But then I grew older and realized that those things aren't really important.

But now, I'm faced with an entirely new and foreign feelings. A deeper range of bitterness, anger, and jealousy. I've never been one to feel these things constantly. I've never been one to be jealous of other's lives. I've never been one to "compare" or "one up" someone with my circumstances. But that seems to be my norm now.

A baby has to spend a few days in the NICU because of fluid in their lungs. Go cry me a least you get to take your baby home. Be thankful that it's not not life threatening.

A mom just finds out the sex of her baby. So what if it's a boy or a girl. You have a healthy thankful.

A well meaning person tells me that Joshua isn't suffering any more. Screw you. I know he's not suffering, but that doesn't take away MY pain.

I don't really mean those things. Honest. I know deep down inside I am sad for the mom who's baby is struggling. I know deep down inside that I am rejoicing for others as they experience new life for the first time. I know deep down inside that people really have no idea what to say and that they truly care. Deep down, I am not that horrible nasty person who is full of bitterness, rage, and jealousy.

These emotions are completely foreign to me. I don't quite know how to handle them. They catch me off guard and surprise me with their intensity. Who have I become?! This isn't the Jill I once was.

As I continue to walk this journey of grief, I'm surprised at how self centered and vicious grief really is. I'm frequently caught off guard by the range of emotions at any given moment. The feelings are foreign and scary and I'm doing my best to give them to God, one at a time.

I guess I'm trying to find the old/new Jill. The Jill who lives with compassion, love, and joy as a result from bitterness, rage, and jealousy.


Anonymous said...

Jill, I can not imagine the pain and anguish that you are living in your head every single day. I have not walked that path so I don't understand the depths of your despair. Have you thought about talking with a therapist at all? I know several people who have walked this path and they all talked to one and said it was helpful in learning how to life with the aftermath. Please dont get angry - just a suggestion. As any suggestion, you can take it or leave it. Please know that you continue to be in my prayers.

Shannon Egan

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Shannon- thank you.

Yes, I've been going to counseling for almost a month now. I've been suffering from PTSD along with the grief. It has been really good for me!

Thanks for the suggestion. :o)

Kari said...

thinking of you today. Know that I'm still praying for you.

Kari said...

I read in a grieving mom's blog about the '30 day blog challenge' seemed like it was really theraputic. Hugs.

baby foot fluff said...

of course you feel like this, who wouldn't? rage on, sometimes emotion is too much for our bodies to contain. i like to listen to a rock band called Tool. i know all the words and i scream and howl along with them. most people would never know i have this side to me but it's there and it needs this outlet. it's probably weird to see a granola-lovin' chick screeching to death metal but i love it and it's my house.

Anonymous said...

I understand this. We lost our son in September of this year. They are still unsure what happened. He was stillborn at 36 weeks. Facebook really irritates me when people complain about their babies waking them up in the middle of the night or whining their way through grocery shopping.

A friend of mine gave me a book that has helped more than anything with sorting all of this out. It's called "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah L. Davis. I really recommend it.


-MissC* said...

From what I know of my own grief, these feelings are normal. You have to go through anger in all it's aspects. It seems like you are doing your best to not harbor the hate. Which shows me, in another way, just how strong you are!
You have all of the admiration of this fellow blogger.

ssaimee said...

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and grief that you are feeling. I know when I had my miscarriage I would get so mad at people who gave me the "look" that look that says "Oh your the one that happened too" I would be so angry I wanted to punch them in the face. Let those feelings out, scream at the top of your lungs if thats what you need to do. The pain that you are facing is the worst pain I could imagine, if anyone judges you for it, then they are not meant to be in your life. Facebook has to be the worst place for grieving mothers, just block the status' of those who complain for now if it helps.

Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...

Love to you, Jill... It's perfectly okay to be human...only One lived a perfect life...

Anonymous said...

I have thought some of those same things, especially when my son, Jamie, was expected to die before his second surgery. However, I have not lost Jamie, so I cannot even fathom what you must be feeling. You have EVERY right to feel the way you do-it is not fair that you lost Joshua. You have a God who loves you soooooo much and He gets it. He understands your anger, bitterness, and jealousy. He forgives you. Thank you for sharing.
proud mom to Jamie (PA/IVS)

tina.ari said...

I certainly don't blame you for having those thoughts and lost your child...and some people expect you to just "get over it" because "he's in a better place, and he's not suffering". I'm sorry, but just knowing that a loved one is in Heaven and isn't suffering, doesn't take away our own suffering or heartache. It may help ease it somewhat, but nothing will take away the pain of losing a child. And there will always be the people who have absolutely NO tact and who will say things that tear open your heart just a little more with their comments. I had a miscarriage before I had my son (he is now 9); I will never forget. Every year on August 21st I think about it, so i can't even imagine the pain that you are feeling and the turmoil that you are going through with your loss. I may only know you from twitter and your blog, but please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you!! And Shannan is right on: God understands.

The Porn Widow said...


I haven't read through all the comments so this may have already been said, but rage is one of the many steps in the grieving process. Through God and time it will lessen. You'll find yourself again and until that time I'll be praying for your pain.

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