Tuesday, December 7, 2010


I try to avoid the dark some nights.

I can't escape them.

The flashbacks.

The small window, dimly lit from the street lights, in our bedroom provides a small escape from the black where the thoughts and pictures consume my mind. That window is my safety.


Pictures from that morning.

Pictures of my baby.

Gasping for air.


Looking at me with those eyes.

Heart rate dropping.

Nurses yelling.

Doctors running.

Chest compressions.

Pleading. Begging. Crying.

My baby. My baby.


The nurse's face.

Those words:

"Jill, you need to come hold your baby."

His last breath.

His body.



Those last twitches- holding on to hope that he was coming back.

Wanting nothing more than for those awful machines to be taken out of his room.

Those horrible tubes and wires removed from his body.


His final bath.

Sickness overtaking me as we looked at his incision- split open from chest compressions.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't bathe him.

I couldn't dress him.

Cutting his hair- the only remenant of him that we could take home and keep.

Hand prints.

Plaster foot prints.

Final pictures.


Carrying him home in my arms for our final good-byes.

Telling our children that he was gone.


Sobs and wailing.



He's gone.

The flashbacks aren't.


Stephanie said...

I wish I could hug you and lend a shoulder..

The Sears Family said...

I have lost it, I am sitting here crying and I just want sit with you. I wish I could do more for you. Love you so much

Chelsy said...

And experience and grief I cannot imagine ever going through. Tears in my eyes. Praying here in Colorado!

Mellow said...

I hurt with you tonight...these are things I see too..

It might not seem like it, but, it will eventually not be as hard as it is right now. I will be praying for relief.

While I was going through the loss of our son, my nephew posted a phrase that meant so much to me during those long nights... I pray for relief, but relief doesn't come...just the will to press on. Hold onto hope tonight. Jill, it will not be so hard one day, I pray it's soon. Sending my love and a great big hug, from a mom who understands.

StrongRedheadedCherokeeMama said...

Jill, I kissed my baby a million extra times after reading your post. It's alright if you hate me a little (or a lot) for writing this, but thank you for making me appreciate every minute that I have with them.

Marie said...

I am so glad you can express this nightmare with such eloquence, because you are healing a little more with each word. You are also a voice for grieving every where, so you are also helping others in ways you will most likely never know. I am just so, so sorry that you are experiencing this horrible pain.

I am praying for all of you. I am certain your baby is also looking out for his Mama from Heaven. There is so much love here, it will never die. His hair might be the only physical remnant you have, but he will be with you forever in spirit.

Cristie Parish said...

My heart hurts for you--you are in my thoughts and prayers.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Oh my goodness. Nothing could be worse! I hope you find the strength to deal with this.

Seams Inspired said...

(((HUGS))) and prayers for your, my sweet bloggy friend. I have no other words.

Anonymous said...

I too wish I could do something for you besides pray.

Chrissy said...

I'm never sure what to say, except that I'm here and I'm reading and I'm praying.

Beth W said...

Went to bed thinking about you and Joshua. Woke up thinking about you and Joshua. Crying for you and Joshua. As my grandma used to say (she's with Joshua now), Loads of Love.

Molly Alisa Photography said...

Weeping for you Jill. I love you.

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you.


Arika said...

Oh Jill! My heart aches for you!

Mandie Hamrick said...

:'( I'm so sorry.

Tara said...

Hugs and prayers for you...

Amy said...

Wow, I think this post was as hard for me to read as the one that you wrote describing his last hour. My heart hurts for you.

Jessica said...

It's nice to see you smile in some posts, which means joy has found it's way back into your life in small ways... but it's also reality that you still have this pain and this hurt. I continue to pray for you and your loss. My dear friend lost her 2 year old several months ago and between her loss and yours, my perspective on life is so different. God bless you for taking the small steps that propel you forward through each new day that God gives you.

Becky said...

Joshua - such a beautiful name.

Heather - SCH board said...

Be still.

Lisette said...

My heart hurts with you! I don't comment on here often but I do read.
I wish those flashbacks would go away and I would like to tell you that with time they will fade but I would be lying. ((HUGS)).

Carla Sue said...

Jill, I think this is good. Healing. Don't ever try to burry the pain or justify how you feel. They are your feelings and you have every right to feel them. Try different avenues of expression. I know that you are strong and amazing, but there are days when weakness is okay. I love this poem. I love you all.

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