Friday, December 31, 2010

End of the Year

At the end of the year, I usually recap my entire year in one blog post.

I've dreaded this post for quite some time- so I decided not to write it.

This year has been a year unlike any other.

Unempolyment, house fire, threatened miscarriage, birth, deaths. I can't bring myself to look through my old posts from this year. There is too much heartache mixed in with the joy. The joy was plentiful, but the pain and heartache overshadows the happiness and brings me to my knees in grief.

As I think about this year, I think to myself- surely 2011 couldn't possibly be worse than 2010. But then reality hits me. 2011 could be MUCH worse than 2010. Things could always be worse. Yes, my baby died this year- but I still have so much that I hold so dear to me and that I'm so thankful for. I could lose those things as well.

2010 has been a year of struggles and deep soul searching. I've had to seek and cry out to God more this year than I have in my 27 years of life. I've had to learn what it means to truly have no control over a situation. I've had to learn what it's like to fully surrender my life and my family's life to Jesus. It's been a year of tremendous loss, but also a year of great gain.

The end of 2010 also brings an intense sense of fear and intense sadness. I'm surprised at how sad I am that 2010 is over. You see, the coming of a new year reinforces to me that life continues on after death. The world keeps turning, and life continues happening. Joshua is gone, but life is moving on. 2011 is going to hold many more firsts for us- the 1 year anniversary of receiving Joshua's heart diagnosis, his 1 first birthday, the first anniversary of his death. So while the immediate pain of his death is gone- we still face insurmountable heartache and grief in the upcoming year.

So while I'm both sadly and happily saying goodbye to this year, I'm also looking towards the future and continuously asking God to give me the strength that I need to move forward, and when I simply can't do it anymore, that He provides us with others who can carry our burden when it gets to be too heavy for us.

I guess 2011 will, ultimately, be a year of continuing to trust in God's plan and will for our lives.

Happy New Years to you all.

With much love,


Apple said...

I hope 2011 is a much better year for you!! :)

StevenSauke said...

Thank you for sharing and for being open and honest. I can't imagine the pain you've experienced in the past year. I truly admire you guys for the growth I've seen in you in the short time I've known you, and for your continued reliance on God. I've seen some people collapse emotionally and turn from God when hard times come, but I respect people who lean on Him, even when it seems there's nothing to lean on. I can tell that God is using this to make you stronger. I pray that He blesses you beyond your wildest dreams in 2011.

Amy said...

I pray you are able to find a little bit of peace in the next year. Mixed with the sadness and grief, its there somewhere. Much love to you and yours in the New Year.

Jill said...

I like to think that time is God's way of helping us move forward if we're ready or not...because he knows what's best... our ♥'s are with you this evening and thru 2011 as you slowly find joy again :)

BlessedMommy said...

Just know no matter what year it is, Joshua is not forgotten. I think of him every day.

Wayne and Sue Rasmussen said...

Jill, I am going to quote your post ... "insurmountable heartache and grief". Then I am going to quote another heart mommy I have been following who constantly says, "... and for this we have Jesus." You may not have said it in those exact words, but that is what you have communicated over and over during the last several months. Jesus has and will get you through anything.
With that said however, we will pray that 2011 is a much easier year for you. Still thinking of and praying for you.

Jessica said...

praying and hoping that 2011 is a much better year for you! Joshua is not forgotten. and I thank god that I have gotten to know you over this year. Blessings friend!

*bobbysmummy* said...

My baby boy Bobby died July 09 and I too was thankful to see the back of 2009 but also sad that a new year was coming because it somehow confirmed that he really was no longer here so that I do understand. I do hope that 2011 is as peaceful as it can be for you all.

Beth W. said...

As always, continuing to love and pray for you guys. You will always have people to fall back on when you need them. Call anytime! Love ya sister!

Elli Gawne said...

Prayers that 2011 is a peaceful and healing year for you and your family.

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