Monday, December 6, 2010

Dear Joshua,

Hi sweet boy. It's been a while since I've written to you. Although I haven't written, I know you know that not a single day goes by that I don't think of you.

Joshua, today marks 2 months since you left my arms and entered Heaven. I can only imagine what you are doing up there. I hope you have gotten the chance to meet Steve. He was one of mommy's best supports while you were still in my tummy, through out your life, and after your death. I hope you have been held by him, and that he told you how much your mommy, daddy, brother and sister love you and did everything we possibly could for you.

I would imagine, if you are up there as a baby, that you are rolling over and smiling by now. I imagine you as a happy baby with a feisty disposition. I imagine you have gotten comfortable and found a sort of routine in your short time there. I imagine the mommies who were taken from their babies too soon who are caring for you while they wait for their families to join them. I know they are loving you with a love that makes the love I gave you here on Earth look pitiful. I'm glad you are experiencing that kind of love and happiness.

I also imagine all of the other babies that you are playing with while you are there. Ewan, Cohen, Ayden, Caleb, Cora, Luke, Noah. I imagine they are all your friends, and while you are still too little to play with them now, they will become your best friends- friends that you can run through fields and play with. Friends that you play baseball with, stay up way too late with, and friends that you can find comfort with until your mommies, daddies, brothers and sisters are with you.

I also know that you have seen the face of God. I know that Jesus has held you at least once. I know that you have nothing but happiness and pure joy from being in His presence. I am so thankful that you have that opportunity and that that is your reality for the rest of your eternal life.

While I am so glad that you are whole, healed, and experiencing joy and happiness in a way that I won't understand until I join you, I am also reminded every day with the sadness that you are not here in my arms. I am, some days, consumed and suffocated by the reality that I may not see you for a very very long time. My heart physically hurts for you most days, and no matter how hard I try to ignore it, or rush through it, I can't. It just won't go away.

Joshua, as I write to you on your 2nd month anniversary in Heaven, my emotions are still so raw. I am joyful for your healing, but I'm full of sorrow and grief that I even have to write these letters to you. I wish more than anything that I could hold you and give you hugs and kisses and tell you how much I love you. I want more than anything to snuggle you and hold you close- smell your hair, kiss your cheeks, tickle your toes.

I guess I just want you to know how LOVED and how MISSED you are sweet one.

I We love you so much my sweet boy.



Love,

Mama


14 comments:

Arika said...

Thinking of and praying for you.

Kathie said...

Sending you love and hugs today, Jill!

Heather - SCH board said...

Thinking about you and your family. I love that picture of Caleb and Joshua, what an amazing big brother he is!

Chrissy said...

*hugs*
xox love

Anonymous said...

I love that picture of Caleb and Joshua.

Thinking of you

Melissa

baby foot fluff said...

i don't know what to write in response to this. i can't imagine ever writing a letter to my little guys like this, and my mind shuts down when i even think about it. jill, if i was a fearless driver i would be on my way to your house to squeeze you so hard. instead i'll send virtual squeezes. (((((hugs))))

Ausmerican Housewife said...

Oh my, this picture is precious. Big brother and little brother. Simply precious. :')

The Porn Widow said...

Your faith is beautiful. What a sweet letter little mama!

Rainy said...

sweet baby and big brother.

Deidre said...

Oh Jill... Praying... HUGE HUGS!!! XOXO

Lindsay Partridge said...

sending love, prayers, and a big hug your way. Joshua's sweet little face never fails to bring a smile, and adorable Caleb is the icing on the cake. I hope you can feel God's arms around you today...I know it's such a hard date.

Anonymous said...

Thinking and praying for your family everyday since I started reading your blog a few days ago. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through, but know that Joshua is now not suffering and is in the most beautiful place ever made. I hope you are able to find comfort knowing that someday you will again be reunited with Joshua.
Renee

Christine the ArizonaIntactivist said...

This picture of Caleb and Joshua is just precious!

Bekah said...

This is just beautiful. What a dearly loved little child of God.

 
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