My love

Shane and I went down to Indianapolis yesterday. I had a meeting last night for a parent/patient advocacy group at the hospital Joshua spent his entire life.

It was a good day of spending time with the only people who knew Joshua personally. It is completely evident that he was and is loved, and that he had an impact on those who cared for him. He really was an amazing little boy.

There was something strangely comforting in being at the only place that Joshua ever was. Being back in the place that holds the only memories that we will ever have of him was soothing to my soul. I wish I would have had the guts to go up to his room and spend some time there, but I didn't feel like I could handle that quite yet. Maybe next month.

If you follow me on Twitter and Facebook, you will know that I have had a major craving for Chipotle. I was able to convince my amazing husband to take us there for lunch. He was secretly excited to go, and won't exactly admit that he loves the small child sized burrito-y goodness. Although, he gobbled that tortilla filled yumminess up, he loves that place just as much as I do!

Anyways, back on topic...Over the 6+ years we have been married, I've learned a lot from that man of mine. He has recently developed a passion that makes my heart flutter. As we have gone through the trials of this past year, he has really taken on his role as a husband and father.

Don't get me wrong, he has always been a good husband and father. He is a good guy in general. However, in the past year, he has stepped up to the plate and has blown my every expectation of him out of the water.

When we were first married, we fought. A LOT. I felt alone in our marriage for a long time. I was the only one who cooked and cleaned. He was irresponsible in taking care of himself as well as our house. He was a slob, and didn't do much in helping me around the house. When we started having children, the issues we had, started to become worse.

But, I was not completely innocent in our problems. I had (and still struggle with) some serious control issues. I never really spoke to him out of respect and love, and I put him down quite frequently. If things weren't done my way, I would get angry and start spewing ugly and hateful words that no husband should ever have to hear from his wife. I was also extremely selfish and didn't really think about anything but my needs.

God has been working on both us over the years. Last night, as we were talking, Shane told me something that I thought was profound.  He told me that over the past year, he has made it his goal to serve me and think of me before anything else. He told me that he felt the Holy Spirit telling him to put my needs before his, and to continue to pray that my controlling-ness would lessen and my love would deepen. He said that by serving me, his love for me grew and deepened. He also said that in his serving me, he has noticed that a tenderness has grown in me. He has seen me give up my anger and control and has felt me truly love and respect him and let him lead.

Wow.

The most amazing thing, is that I had no idea that he was intentionally doing those things. I knew that he seemed different to me, and that he truly loves me, but I had no idea that it was a conscious effort on his part to love me. I know that I was and still am sometimes an ugly person to live with. But the fact that he has seen past that and tried to love me like Christ loves him makes me ooze with all things mushy.

I still have a long way to go in my own personality issues. I still have some very strong controlling tendencies, and I often times let my sarcasm get in the way of truly being a kind and gentle person. But God is working on me and probably will work on me until the day I die.

But one thing that has changed completely within myself is my ability to allow my husband to truly be the head of our house. That does not mean that he rules over me, and that all decisions are his and I have no voice. In fact, allowing him to be the head of our house, is the exact opposite of that. He loves me and cherishes me. He values my opinions and thoughts. He leads our family, with our best interests at heart. He is ultimately in charge of our family, but would never do anything to jeopardize it.

By allowing him to lead, I have given myself a freedom I have never experienced. I have allowed him to take on the role that God ordained for him. By allowing him to lead, he has loved me more deeply and tenderly than ever before. I take comfort in the security that he provides for me and our children. I love watching him become the man that God intended him to be.

There has been so much transformation in our lives over the past few years. We both feel that God is working and leading us to new places doing some exciting and great new things. We aren't sure what God has in store, but we are ready and waiting for God to open doors and lead us.

Thank you for joining us on our journey!