Saturday, October 9, 2010

Goodness

As I am working through the emotions and feelings of these past few days, I have been trying to think of the right words to express my feelings. Broken, lost, devestated, humbled, honored. Those words don't seem to even touch the depths of my emotions.

My son is gone. Shane and I are living a parent's worst nightmare. My son is GONE.

However, in the midst of my sorrow and pain, today's celebration of life was absolutely beautiful and brought Peace that passes all understanding. It still hurts deeply, but there is Peace.

My son is gone, but I want YOU to know, that God is still good. My love for Him is deeper and stronger than it ever has been before. Joshua's life was a blessing. Joshua's life was short, but it was perfect- just as God planned it to be. Joshua's purpose was fullfilled and he was called Home. I trust in God's plan, and that He knows what He is doing, even if I can't even begin to make sense of it.

There were over 350 people that attended Joshua's viewing. There were approximately 150 people at the funeral today. He was is LOVED.

My son is gone. I am forever changed, but my God remains the same: Good.




66 comments:

The Cox Family said...

Yet another answered prayer! So glad that things went well and there was such an outpouring of love. Wished we could've been there. We will continue to pray for you and your family. Love ya girlie!

Becca said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours through this time of grief.

The Cox Family said...

I also wanted to say that I am so proud of you and how you have handled this entire situation (from the very beginning of this journey to his "healing", to the abuse of you and your family and this site, to the funeral today, and beyond) You are an AWESOME example of a true Christian woman. A woman of God. I would not have been able to hold my tongue in the past few days. Don't regret any decision that you made. You are his Mommy and you did what you thought best in the situation. No matter what people say, he is your child. I will also be praying about this and that God's glory can shine through. Satan WILL NOT have the victory. I'm so proud of you for not letting him! Love you!

Amy said...

My love and prayers are with you and your family.

Amanda said...

Although you dont know me I have been reading since I saw your post on babycenter. You are an amazing mother, person and someone I look up to. I am so impressed with how you have handle everything that has gone on. Joshua has touched my heart. So have you!! Your such an awesome person. Thank you for sharing your story so openly even with all this judgement. God is great and I pray he continues to use Joshuas short life as a way to touch others like he has touched me. Im praying for some sort of peace for you and your family during this time.

Bethany said...

Jill, I've been reading. I've been praying. Words cannot express how much sorrow I feel for you and your family. I, too, am proud of the way you have handled every situation that has been thrown at you. You have handled it with grace.

I cannot believe how cruel others have been to you. It truly breaks my heart to see a fellow heart parent treated in this way. If I were in your situation, I do not believe that I would have been able to take the high road as you have. I know it is God working in you.

Thank you for sharing Joshua's story and honoring his life. I know you will miss him.

Heart Hugs,
Bethany

Anonymous said...

God is good. I do not understand His ways, His plan, or His timing. I do admire your faith, conviction and strength. You are an amazing mother and an amazing woman of God. I am praying for you.

melissa

Samantha said...

I'm so, so sorry for your pain. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You have been brave and courageous, and dealt with those awful people in an amazing manner- your son is proud of his mommy. All your kids will be proud. Love to you.
~Samantha
http://havesippywilltravel.blogspot.com/

Mama B said...

God IS good. I will continue to pray for you and your family. May God Bless you.

Michelle said...

Jill, you've said so much in so few words. Every night, I thank God for the brief time we had with our son too. I'd so much have rather had him with us, than to never have known him at all.

All of my love

Mama B said...

I just realized little Joshua had HLHS. My best friend's son passed from this at 1 month old. This breaks my heart as I can remember the pain of Jackson passing. And to the idiots harassing you- Jackson did NOT have a circ (due to him being so sick, not due to the Mom's preference) and still did not make it.
I wish I had the words to say but I don't. I will say, however, that my friend just had son #2 on Thursday and he is 100% healthy. I actually found your story while up all night praying for his safe arrival. Keep your head up and your eyes on God. Maybe Jackson can show Joshua around the streets of gold.
Love and prayers to your family.

Laurie said...

I am so sorry for the lose of your beautiful baby boy. May God bless you and your family and bring you peace now and in the coming years!

Anonymous said...

Children are loved in heaven and on earth. i'm so sorry for your loss.

mommakiss

ArizonaIntactivist said...

So glad there is peace...

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

ArizonaIntactivist- is there a way to get ahold of you? email maybe? jillhaskins1@yahoo.com

Mummahh said...

thoughts are with you and your family at this hard time..
xx
trolls be gone!

Anonymous said...

I am so glad for you peace today! God is good! Will be lifting you and your family up in our prayers. If we lived closer to you we would have made three more and were there in spirit.

Rainy

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It breaks my heart as a mother. My prayers are with you and your family.

- Mom in Maryland

kg said...

Have never visited your blog until today - led her by a friend whose little 2yo has been recovering from cancer. I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss and that my heart is aching for you. May you continue to find peace in your faith. God bless you and your family and your beautiful little one who is now with God.

Crista said...

Jill, you are an amazing woman and such a gracious and wonderful writer. I pray for peace. Please, please PLEASE let this family have peace. Please walk for one moment in this Mother's shoes. Stop to look at the world through the eyes of her other young children. This family has faced challenges you can not begin to comprehend unless you have walked this very path. No matter the passion or the cause, there is a proper time and place. It is not for any one to assume that we have facts or knowledge of anything that we ourselves did not witness or experience. It is not for us to judge or pass judgement on another. This sweet baby boy lost his valiant battle against a horrible, devastating disease. CHD and HLHS are completely life changing in every instance. This family did not set out to be activists or role models. They decided to reach out in order to find hope and educate themselves on what it means to be a heart family. Jill was kind enough to share Joshua with us these past several months and his effect on all of us is evidenced by the hundreds of followers and comments from people who truly care; who simply wanted to celebrate the happy ending at the end of this difficult fight. Nothing here is up for debate. Do NOT tarnish Joshua's legacy. This family must heal. Please, let there be peace.

Anonymous said...

Well said, Crista. As a CHD mom, I understand what Jill and Shane faced. But I never had the courage to share our raw, complete day-to-day experiences the way that Jill did. I respect you so much for that, Jill. You have inspired so many by sharing Joshua with us. Those who find the need to pass judgement cannot possibly fathom your grief. I pray they never have to. Jill, I wish I could have been there to celebrate Joshua's life today. I am so thankful that amidst all of your sorrow, you were able to feel the peace that comes from faith in God. God bless you, and your family. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Kelly Dees
Heart Mom to Hope

woohoo23 said...

My heart has been so heavy for you this week. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

Olivia said...

Beautiful post, Jill, and full of such lovely, true words. Thinking of you. <3

Ausmerican Housewife said...

I'm so glad you have this outpouring of support. Cling to it. If people want to bring meals, let them know what you prefer. Let people buy and bring you groceries. Let them check your mail and help you pay the bills. Post a sign on your front door saying "No visitors today." if you need to. Change your voicemail message stating that you're not answering your phone as you need time to grieve. etc.

Christine said...

I'm so so sorry you are going through this! I wish we could have been there for you, but we were thinking of you today and praying with you.

*hugs*

CP said...

Mom of twin boys here, Jill, one with me...and the other, in heaven. Both had CHD -- ASD, VSD and MVP along with lung defects. I can never explain why one of my sons was chosen to be taken and the other is a healthy 15 year old today. We never know why things happen. They just do. I am grateful that you had the time with Joshua that you did. In those few weeks, you loved him enough for several lifetimes. He IS your son, will always BE your son. We cannot hold them in our arms any more...but we can always hold them in our hearts.

You are a strong woman setting a wonderful example to your other children on how grace is bestowed upon those who choose to rise above.

Forget the haters. If they haven't lost a child, they will NEVER comprehend what you and I have gone through. I don't wish it on anyone...

Stay strong, beautiful lady. God bless and keep Joshua safe in his care.

Anonymous said...

I have thought about sweet baby Joshua and Ewan throughout the day and have held my babies a little tighter for you!! Your love and faith in God is amazing I have so much respect for you!!! Your son has personally influenced my life and my faith! I hope you will continue to blog to receive love and support because that definitely outweighs anger and hatred!! I am keeping you in my prayers and also your sweet angel Joshua!!!

Marie said...

He is so beautiful. And now he is peaceful and healed.

He's not gone, he is in your heart for as long as you live. He is in our hearts now too. So while you can't hold him anymore, his love and your love for him are too real to be gone.

That said, I am still so sorry. I send prayers that you and your family will be wrapped in loving comfort and that your grief will soon give way to peace with less pain.

Anonymous said...

Our deepsest sympathy.... my parents lost my little sister in 1991 to the same heart problem... I remember those days so well.. You adn your family are in our prayers. You have been a wonderful caring mother to Joshua so very sorry that he is no longer with you. But you are right he is now with God and will be waiting patiently to meet you again one day..
Jane

Liss@Random said...

Jill, I must say I did find your blog following a twitter RT against the intactivists. I can only imagine the pain and sorrow you must have gone through and are still going through. I'm a preschool teacher, and I've seen how tough it is for parents to have a child so sick and to lose one, and I admire your bravery and your faith. You and your husband will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I pray for your continued healing as you continue on your journey. And I just wanted to share this verse that came to mind...

"1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted , to proclaim liberty to the captives , and the opening of the prison to them that are bound ;
2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified ." (Isaiah 61:1-3)

Much love and hugs,
Melissa

Anonymous said...

he could still be here today, if you didnt make the decision to mutilate him..

Anonymous said...

I for one, am sick of these comments being directed at a mother who is grieving the loss of her son. This child had a CHD, if you care to educate yourself on this, you will find that is what Joshua died from. Please allow Jill, Shane and thier children to grieve this horrendous loss without the added stress of negative, nasty and downright RUDE comments attacking them on their decision to raise their child(ren) the way they wish. You make decisions for your child and let them make decisions for theirs. How DARE you presume to attack the way another mother raises her child?

Shannon Egan

Molly Alisa Photography said...

He is so, so loved.

Anonymous said...

shannon...can you tell me why the hell she was thinking of foreskin instead of his heart? why was is SOOO DAMN IMPORTANT to have this child circumcized when he was fighting for his life..if you believe that the decision she made that day did not kill him, you are an idiot. putting a child who already has heart problems through a tramatic experience such as genital mutilation if enough to kill him, which was ultimately done. and to top it off, shes not even jewish, so there was NO LOGICAL REASON to do this to the baby!

Anonymous said...

and she wont be raising him since she killed him. manslaughter charges anyone??

Anonymous said...

I will tell you something ANONYMOUS - those who can not even sign their name to hateful hurtful comments deserve no answer. It was HER decision - not YOURS. I am neither a idiot, nor jewish and my son is circ'd. It is NOT YOUR BUSINESS as to why my husband and I made that decision. Again - you raise your kids the way you see fit and shut up about the way I raise mine. End.Of.Story.Period. It is people like you who drone on and one about your "cause" that actually end up turning people away and hurting it.

Shannon Egan

Anonymous said...

First of all, I do not have children, nor want them. But I am human and know what is right and what is wrong. And how ironic, hours after his penis was cut he was dead. Lets be real. Yes this is tragic, but could have been avoidable. I am not saying not to circ, I don't give a shit what you do with the penis, but don't do it on a DYING BABY FOR GOD SAKE!

Anonymous said...

And I am not saying it is my business. i am stating the facts..just like everyone else can come in a say how very sorry they are, knowing full well they feel the same exact way i do inside, i just happen to be voicing it externally. so while this remains a blog to post comments on, comments are opinions and these are mine.

Dawn Birch (happy now)

Anonymous said...

Dawn please do not ASSume anything about "feeling the exact same way" you do. I, for one, do not. I have walked in Jill's shoes as a mother of a CHD child. The medical decisions that my husband and I made on a daily basis were not open for discussion by anyone. ANYONE. Not my parents, not his and certainly not some stranger. And you do have a right to your opinion - no doubt there - but when you write hurtful and hateful things on a blog to a mother who is not yet a week out from the loss of her son to a CHD, that just shows how insensitive and hateful some people can truly be in this world.

Shannon Egan

Anonymous said...

i am writing facts. if it were untrue, it wouldn't hurt. since it hurts, its true. simple as that. murder.

Three Ring Circus said...

Jill, my heart breaks for you. I have spent my morning (while my sons napped and my daughter watched her favorite cartoon) reading your blog. I learned of your blog through a Cancer mom via Facebook. I cried through your blog. You are SUCH a strong woman. I send you MANY hugs and much love. I'm so sorry that ANYONE would judge you as a person, or attack your decisions as a parent. One of my sons was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma (a type of cancer) when he was just barely 3 months old, but we've always had this feeling something was off since he was born but couldn't get a Doctor to listen.

Always go with your gut! I think (just from reading your blog) that you have done a fabulous job, and you did everything you could have possibly done for your sweet and beautiful son.

My cousin found out her son was going to be born with a heart condition before he was born, and she went through so much with him. I wish I could remember what his heart condition was called, but I think it was similar to what your little Joshua had. I know that Roger had heart surgery right after birth. And still has many to go! They've been down a rocky road as well. Sweet Roger just celebrated his first birthday, a day we thought he wouldn't see.

Sending my prayers out to you Jill!!!

Anonymous said...

simple as U being a jackass. whose 'truth' are U speaking of? yours? were you this boys mother? no? NO? then shut your trap that is spewing hatred and lies.

Anonymous said...

i am speaking the simple truth. if anyone could answer the question as to why would a mother whose son is holding on by a thread be worried about his foreskin before his heart, then i will quickly go away. other than that, i stand by my word, and what is the opinion of many others i have spoken to about this situation..that it was clearly f*cked up decision to make and she shouldnt have even be thinking about it in the first place...so please..all the women with CHD sons, were you thinking about his penis at a time in the NICU?

milkstained said...

What a beautiful baby. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Michael Bowman-King said...

Love, hugs and prayers from the King family!

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Anonymous said...

Jill,

It's so awesome to hear you reiterate the goodness of God. How very powerful... So many times we hear "God is good," when we get what we wanted or things work out to our advantage. It's much more rare to hear it when things didn't go as we had planned or hoped. Thank you so much for sharing this. There is so much power in the fact that YOU are making a point to remind us all of this. My spirit is filled with joy reading these words from you.

Praying and sending love,
Jennifer Hood

Melissa said...

Dawn Birch take your debate somewhere else!! And as a CHD mother YES!!While I was taking him home on hospice I was thinking about his circumcision. ‎"And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant. " Genesis 17:14 I am sure there are many people who would like to help you understand a CHD better, but you are too wrapped up in your own agenda to be a logical human being. Knowing that this is a grieving mother and STILL subjecting her to this. You must have a son to be on this mission, so go home kiss your boy and thank God that he was already "WHOLE" when you got him, unlike ours who already came missing parts.

Melissa said...

Jill, I am so sorry that you are still seeing these hateful things. God has a plan for you and girl, it must be a MIGHTY one. He know what you can do. He sees your heart. Your son was yours, no one else's, they can not begin to fathum the things you have seen, experienced and bore for that little life. He was and always will be perfect. No sin, no hate, no lie or malice touched his heart. May that bring you some peace. <>>

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for these hurtful and spiteful comments Jill. I wish I could take them all away and you never read any of them. I hope and pray that this person is never blessed with a child that has a disorder and that they have to make hard and crucial choices for that child. I don't think this person could handle it. Just my opinion. Then again, maybe if this person were they could understand the difference between their "opinion" and what you have been through. God bless you Jill! Hang in there mommy of three you are doing a wonderful job!

Rainy

Katie said...

Jill, I was brought to your blog amidst your attacks on twitter and I just want you to know that you have another Momma in your corner. I wish I could do more than defend you from ugliness & hatred as you mourn the loss of your son. I lost my darling boy just over 4 years ago and I know the pain in your heart. Hold your darling Joshua in your heart, until the day comes when you will hold him in your arms again. With love & prayers.


And to Dawn & anyone else who feels compelled to attack Jill, her choices as a parent or to use her son's short life as an example for your cause, know that your choices are as insensitive, misguided & mean-spirited as organizations such as the Westboro Baptist Church. If you need someone to attack or spill your hatred onto, I'm right here waiting.

danielle said...

A grieving mother's blog is no place to have a debate. If you want to debate this maybe you should post a blog of your own so people that don't believe your ways can come rip you a new one.

Anonymous said...

Oh Jill, this is the first time I've seen one of these comments and I'm so upset I'm speechless! It is clear to me that satan is afraid of all the good that you are doing for Christ. I'm so sorry I wish I could erase all of the hateful words, but since I cannot I will simply pray for Dawn and anyone else who is so misguided.

Lots of Love,
Lauren Roberts

Vicki said...

My heart is aching for you. Praying.

I'm guessing whoever left the hateful comments is not a fellow believer or they wouldn't have left the posts they have. My heart aches for them as well, but in a different way. The below verse is for her.

Matthew 7:1-2
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use it, it will be measured to you.

Mrs. B. said...

Your own faith and goodness during this most difficult time of your life has been amazing to watch, and I thank you for sharing your faith, pain, and honesty with us all. May God continue to work tiny miracles in your life, and bring you strength and help like Molly to get keep you going right now. You are a strong woman, and an amazing mom; I'm sorry that I was introduced to you in such a painful time of your life, but I'm happy to have the chance to get to know you and be a long distance part of the support squad as you walk this journey.

Lacy said...

Dear Jill,

I came across your blog from another blog. I spent hours reading through it. My heart breaks for you and your family. I'm also sickened by the cruelty of others. I can hardly believe what I am reading at times. To attack anyone at a time like this, is horrible and completely uncalled for. People like this need a lesson in compassion. This is not a place for their cause. Even with all of that, your faith and strength is amazing. You are truly an amazing mother. I pray for you and your family as you grieve the loss of Joshua. Much love to you and your family.

Heather said...

How utterly absurd to be calling this loving mother a murderer. Jill and Shane did not make the decision to circumcise their baby because they wanted to kill him! How can anyone believe this?

Whatever someone's hot topic may be- be it circumcision, vaccinations, natural birth, even what diapering system you use, many of us in America make decisions based on our cultural upbringing and what we have learned is "normal." If you want to change that culture, you don't do it by assaulting mothers. You make changes through gentleness and love. Isn't that what the no circ movement is all about?

I can't presume to know what Jill and Shane were going through, but I imagine that in the exhaustion of grief and fear, one would grasp at a glimmer of normalcy. And in our society, circumcision is normal. Certainly there are people who disagree with it being normal and want to change ithat, but for now, that is what is accepted as normal. Jill and Shane may have needed to bring a sense of normalcy to the entire unreal situation they were going through. The doctors felt it was the proper time. Time for something considered "normal!" I can imagine that it felt like a very welcome change! Perhaps this meant that everything was going to be ok! Can you really hold that against them? It seems to me that it was almost an act of faith that Joshua was going to come out of this.

Also, associating the circumcision with the sad events of the following day is not proper reasoning. This is an association fallacy. Because A and B occur together does not mean that A causes B.

Gee, this was more eloquent in my head as I was thinking about what to say. As someone who tries to change what is culturally accepted, I try to meet people where they are, and not assault them. Berating people will not further your cause or make the changes that you seek. You are causing harm, exactly what you say you are against. You are "circumcising" this family's heart.

I pray for healing for us all.

Leanne said...

Jill, my heart has been aching for you ever since I found out the news from Dr. Burson in class. Jen (my sister) had been keeping me up-to-date on Joshua all through his incredible journey. Even though I have never actually met you, I feel like I do know you. First, through Jen's stories from when you two were in a class together (maybe walk-jog???), then through your Xanga site (I have a Xanga blog too and would drop by from time to time), and finally through Jen once you had moved over to here. I really wanted to be at the viewing and the funeral, but I just couldn't make it. I hope someday I can actually meet you and give you a hug in person! Until then, I'll give you a "hug" via the internet. ;-) Please know you, Shane, Caleb, and Hannah are in my prayers. (On a completely unrelated note: Caleb and Hannah are two of my favorite children's names. :)

Scattered Mom said...

Remember everyone, do not feed the trolls. Eventually they will go back under the rock where they came from.

Anonymous said...

Jill I have followed your blog through a link from a fellow co-worker. I work in a NICU and my heart aches for you and your family. Though as as your sister in Christ I know that God has wonderful plans for you and your family and that Joshua is no longer in pain. I plead the blood of Jesus over you, your family and all that concerns you. As a nurse in a level 3 NICU I was reminded very quickly that it is not our job or place to judge but to love, educate, and support one another in this journey of life. We must also pray for our enemies such as Dawn that God would uplift her and heal her hurt that causes her to lash out and angrily judge those around her. I pray that one day she to will fill the the love of Christ as you do. Continue to let God lead you through this difficult time and know that you are loved.

Jessica

Lindsey said...

You have and will continue to be in my prayers. May God bless you and keep you in his arms filling you with peace and strength.

BarnMaven said...

I can't imagine your pain, Jill. I am so glad you are able to feel the soothing balm of God's peace. He is always reaching out to you no matter how painful your circumstances.

Blue Rose said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this and so many are harassing you during such a delicate time. While I agree that circumcision is an unnecessary surgery, I understand that is a personal choice to make. I advocate to have all the truthful information available so that all parents can finally make an informed choice.

Jill and Shayne, know that it wasn't you that did this to your son. Always know that you were trying to make the best decisions you could possibly make for him and his health. You are, in no way, a murderer. I do have to say that I feel the doctors should have been more informed and should have taken more action in the outcome.

As a fellow follower of Christ, I believe in God's perfect plan for your family. The pain you are going through and the harassment you have withstood are all part of a divine plan. Unfortunately, I must make a statement regarding Melissa's post with the quote from Genesis. That quote is from the Old Testament, therefore has no place in a follower of Christ. If you were Jewish, I would agree, but the New Testament is the one I follow, since it is after the coming of Christ where God's new message is love and not fear.

Jill, you do not have to post this comment if you do not want to. This is not, by any means, meant for the crowd but for you. I send my love, prayers, and tears to you and your family for such a horrible loss. I also find it so heartwarming that, through all of your suffering, you still believe that God is good. The best to you and your grieving family.

-Aura

Anonymous said...

Your strength amazes me, I wouldn't have been able to take the high road as you did. Hang on tight, hon, and have faith. You'll make it.

-K.

Hannah Noel said...

God is for you.. and if He is for you, then who can stand against you? Nobody.

Tracy said...

Oh Jill,
Your story...Joshie's. Sending prayers two months after the fact. Thank you for sharing him with me. Hugs.

 
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