Saturday, September 25, 2010

downhill slope

Joshua has been satting right at 100% almost all evening.

The cardiologist told us that if it gets bad enough, they will do the shunt surgery tomorrow instead of Monday. According to the Neo- 100% all evening is probably bad enough to do the surgery tomorrow.

Please pray that Joshua remains stable enough throughout tonight and tomorrow to not have to do emergency surgery tomorrow. (If today were a weekday, they would have done the surgery right away....that's how unstable he is.)

With it being a Sunday, they don't have the regular staff available and the regular equipment that they would need. It would be a bit more risky to have to do it on the whim, on a Sunday.

I have never in my life proclaimed scripture out loud over someone until this week. I have never in my life asked for the Holy Spirit to fill me and to just let His Spirit wash over me like I have this week. I have never completely surrendered something so precious to me until Joshua came. I am once again committing him to the Hands of Jesus. I don't do it because I'm strong. I do it because I have no choice.

Truthfully, I'm terrified that my baby will not come back to me and that my days with him are extremely limited. I'm soaking in every yawn, every snuggle, every diaper change. I'm loving on, praying over, and singing to my child like I never have before. I want him to know how loved he is, not only by me, but by our Heavenly Father. I want him to go into surgery knowing that he is loved beyond measure, so in case he doesn't come out of it at least he knew that he means the world to me. My heart breaks each time I hold him and watch him struggle to breath, each time his lips turn blue, and with every roll of his eyes.

To end this post, I want to share the lyrics of a song that I sing to Joshua every day:

Healer by Hillsong

"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe
You're my Healer
I believe
You are all I need
I believe
You're my Portion
I believe
You're more than enough for me


Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You


You hold my world in Your hands"

Jesus- You hold my world in Your hands. You hold my precious baby's future in Your hands. I trust in You because You, Lord, are more than enough for me. You are Joshua's Healer. You are good no matter what. I'm clinging to You- Trusting in You, Believing in You, and Loving You. Jesus, You hold my world- my sweet Joshua- in Your hands. I beg you spare his life, but if you chose not to, I trust that You have a plan. I believe that you are more than enough to sustain me and give me Hope. But, God, I beg you for a miracle, I beg you to heal my Joshie, I beg you to give him life here on earth. I love you Lord. Amen

24 comments:

Molly Alisa Photography said...

I am on my knees tonight, Jill.

Never in my life have I not been able to find the words I am looking for and I am rendered speechless every time I think of Joshua and you. I feel so much love in my heart for both of you.


Praying for peace and comfort for both of you tonight. Praying for healing. Praying for a miracle.

Jennifer said...

I know you don't know me, but I've been keeping up with Joshua for weeks now and as I sit here tonight, I am in tears. I am in tears for you and your baby and having lost one myself, I don't have words for the pain I know you're in. I have been praying for Joshua and am begging God for his life to be spared. You are in my thoughts and I am praying for peace in whatever the outcome. I do know he has bigger plans for our babies than we know sometimes and that he can work miracles!!!! Your beautiful baby has touched my heart. Thank you for sharing him.

The Cox Family said...

Praying. No other words so say.

Sarah said...

Hi Jill - I'm a friend of Kirsten's (Ewan's mama) and been reading along over here. I wanted you to know that I'm praying for Joshua, too. We saw a miracle the other night with Ewan, and I know that we can see one here, too. Praying for your sweet little man.

Melinda said...

Jill-I am praying for you and have put out a prayer request on my blog for you. I truly hope that Joshua stabilizes soon!

The Hands said...

I will be lifting your family up to Jesus tonight and tomorrow. Keep resting in His hands.
Angie

Anonymous said...

Jill, I came to your blog via another heart momma's blog, and have been praying for you since before Joshua made his arrival. I just want you to know that there is another mommy storming heaven for your little boy today-when we stand in service this morning and worship our Lord, I will lift him up in prayer for complete healing.

Sherri in North Carolina

Angi said...

Jill, I'm sobbing as I read this. I just got up to feed Jude...how unfair it seems...my heart aches SO MUCH for you guys!!! I know we KNOW God is in this. And look at what an impact your littlest man has already had on people!! But...nothing takes away that searing pain and agony of walking this nearly impossible road. So as you commit your sweet baby boy to his Creator, know that there are MANY crying with you and praying at His feet for you!!

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Wendy said...

Jill - my heart is breaking for you. I can't imagine the pain and fears that your facing. We pray for ALL of you constantly and we know God has a plan. I find so much strength in you to face each day knowing we are one day closer to getting Little Jordan here in this world. One week from today and we will be heading to Atlanta. I am scared to death of the unknown. I will be praying for constant healing of all the heart babies. BE STILL AND KNOW HE IS GOD!

leah said...

Joshua and all of you are so ingrained in my thoughts that I dreamt of you and prayed through the night. Then I woke to this post and understand my fitfull night. Writing this through streaming tears. My heart aches. Praying still. God please hear our prayers!

Anonymous said...

I am at a loss for words as well. Praying for monday! You guys are thought of often and with love from someone you don't even know. Please know that prayers are being said right now. Rainy

Stefenie said...

Jill ~ Praying with you!! There's always hope Jill! We have a merciful God and I know that He can hear all of our many prayers for sweet Joshua!

→Daniele← said...

I'm praying for your beautiful little guy!!

mom2lo said...

Jill, I can't tell you how this exact song lifted me and carried me through the difficult road with Chase. Even before he was born this song moved me beyond words. Hold on to the promise of those lyrics! NOTHING is impossible for God!!!

Loving you and praying for you and your little warrior from afar,
Kathy

Hope's Blog said...

You all are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I love the song you sing to Joshua and I cried when I read about a possible emergency surgery. I am saying extra prayers that he does better today and will not need surgery until Monday.

lmpd0617 said...

Joshua has shown how strong he is thus far. I am praying that he continues to get the love and support that he needs from above to stay as stable as possible for surgery tomorrow. You are a strong strong woman Jill and have been the inspiration of many.

Hannah said...

My thoughts are with you and Joshua.

Hannah, Mom to Cora (HLHS)

Seams Inspired said...

Praying for you...In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words Romans 8:26

Do not fear, for I am with you;Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

steve, bess & dizzy said...

Praying fervently!

Anonymous said...

Praying... the words don't come, but like Seams Inspired mentioned above, the Holy Spirit is groaning on our behalf as we look to the Lord and wait. Our trust continues to be in Him, regardless of our circumstances. It's like you said, it's not because you're so strong, but you have no choice. My heart aches for you as I recall the helplessness of being in that situation. We stand with you, all over the country, looking to Him and waiting.

Your sister in Christ and fellow HLHS mom,
Jennifer

Jennifer said...

Jill,
Sending many many prayers your way. My heart aches for what Joshua is going through. But he is a strong soul, God will heal him.

Jennifer, mommy to Colin (HLHS)

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you! I turned Ava over for heart surgery at 13 days, 2 months and just 3 weeks later at almost 3 months. Nothing I can say can prepare you - just know that God will hold you tight and take care of you and Joshua.

melissa

HennHouse said...

Praying for you.

Tara said...

Praying for you guys - praying for the Holy Spirit to continue to speak words of mercy, love and comfort to you. Peace be with you!

 
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