Thursday, August 26, 2010

How Am I?

A lot of you have been asking how I am doing. I haven't really taken the time to answer that question as I have been busy fighting off my husband's boob flicking, his conversations about poop, and his constant jabbering. (I love my husband dearly, but there is a reason that we aren't together every. second. of. the. day.) haha! Oh, and I guess caring for my child with only a half a heart keeps me somewhat occupied as well! :o)

I am doing surprisingly well. I was really worried going into this, that depression and/or anxiety would have it's way with me. Surprisingly, I've found a reason to laugh every day. I'm finding joy in the small things- the way Joshua looks when he cries, the super soft bed in the sleep room, the dumb things that my husband says, the beef teryaki!

These past few weeks have been extremely difficult- don't get me wrong. Watching your baby turn blue, talking to your 4 year old who begs you to come pick him up, the waiting. It's all been extremely emotional with extreme ups and downs, but I have peace.

Before Joshua was born, when anxiousness would creep into my heart, I would turn to the Psalms. It seemed like no matter what scripure I turned to, I could find comfort in the words of David- praising God for who He is, begging for mercy, finding hope. I had decided that once we were out here and in the middle of the storm, I wanted to read a few Psalms a day just to keep my mind focused on what God is doing and who God is.

While I have not been 100% faithful in reading everyday, I truly believe that the book of Psalm has helped me to continue to stay focused on what is important. I believe that God has breathed patience and calmness to my soul. He has transformed me into a person who is slowly becoming OK with the unknown and taking each moment as it comes.

People have said to me that they don't know how I do it. That is simple- A.) I don't have a choice and B.) God is truly carrying me through this. My faith is a living breathing faith, something I literally cling to moment by moment. Some days I feel like God is literally carrying me because I just don't have the strength to make it, but He nudges me to continue on, sustaining me throughout, providing for my every need, and giving me reason to laugh along the way.


Molly Alisa Photography said...

The book of Psalms has been so helpful to me during trying times as well. What an amazing faith David had.

It's been really fun reading your updates over the past few days. You sound so much like yourself. And of course were making me laugh.

Sorry I couldn't make it down there today. I am hoping to visit next week.

Laanykidsmom said...

I totally agree with your last paragraph. People have said that to me too, with one daughter having a CHD and the other one with epilepsy. But you just put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing, because you'd do anything for your children. And I also agree about Psalms - I can always find one to read that speaks directly to my soul. So glad to hear you are hanging in there and Joshua is progressing!

Carrie Flynn said...

So familiar. I don't know how anyone would make it through this experience without a strong faith that God is in control of it all. I read A Purpose Driven Life while in the hospital this last time. Extremely comforting. I love that the Psalms are keeping you focused. <3

Kelipso said...

Wow, I can relate to this post SO much. When we went through our OHS ordeal last September, it was insanely stressful, of course. But somehow, at the same time, it was also very peaceful. My husband and I were able to laugh quite a bit, and we stayed in pretty good spirits. We always said we could tell that God was carrying us, because the burden was suprisingly not too much to bear. I also always had people tell me I was "super mom" and they didn't know how I was handling it all with such grace. You really do just put one foot in front of the other. You hold their tiny hands all day, you sweetly sing into their ears until you go hoarse because you are their mother, and you know how to calm them. You do what mothers do. Every day is a blessing, every tiny bit of progress towards going home is a miracle.
I'm still praying for Joshua every day. I look forward to your updates. I know you don't know me from the next person on the street, and I totally know how that feels. We had strangers coming out of the woodwork who were pulling for our little Christian last year when he was sick. I hope it is as comforting for you, as it was for me! Stay strong, Mama <3

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