Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Emotionally spent

I'm spent. Today was a great day for Joshua, a not so great day for me.

Joshua handled his transport to the PICU wonderfully. He's not had any apnea spells all day, and he even cooperated and let me hold him for a few hours. His strength continues to amaze me, as well as his fighting spirit. No doubt he is like his mama. He is fiesty. That will come in handy tomorrow.

Joshua is scheduled for surgery first thing tomorrow morning. We met with the surgeon today and he explained everything to us once again. Shane and I are at peace and know that Joshua will do great.

The hard part is handing him over. Both to God and to man. I've committed his life fully to God, and I continue to do so, sometimes it's just harder to do than other times. It's especially hard to do when I have to hand my baby over to man. I want so badly to take this from Joshua. I want him to be whole and complete. I don't want him to have to go through the pain of open heart surgery.

Being discharged from the hospital without a baby was gut wrenching. I didn't get to proudly carry my baby on my lap in the wheel chair through the lobby. There was no getting him dressed into his going home outfit, making sure his carseat is nice and snug. Instead we watched as the transport team loaded him into his incubator. His first car ride was in an ambulance instead of our Chevy Venture.

I know I need to rejoice in the fact that he has been so strong. Shane and I were fully prepared for him to be intubated and not being able to hold him. We are praising God for His blessings over the past few days. It's just hard to think about the coming days. It's hard to watch Joshua as he sleeps, knowing what he is going through and will have to go through in the coming days. It's hard to think about what should have been (according to our less than perfect human terms).

Please pray for sweet Joshua. Pass his name along to your friends and family- or anyone who will listen. Our prayers have gotten Joshua this far (or at least has gotten Shane and I this far.)

I will update tomorrow throughout the day on facebook and twitter as we get updates from the surgeon about Joshua's progress through the surgery.

Sleep well everyone.

12 comments:

Amy Mac said...

I'm a friend of Becky Cox's and am praying for you and your sweet Joshua. My son has had two open heart surgeries and I know how hard it is to wait all day during the surgery. I'll pray that God gives you extraordinary patience and peace tomorrow and that the surgeon gets an extra great night's sleep tonight! We're a part of www.itsmyheart.org which is a great support system, too. Many blessings and prayers, Amy from Houston

Hope's Blog said...

This is my favorite poem and another heart mom sent it to me the day before Hope's Norwood. I will be thinking of you and praying for Joshua and your whole family tomorrow:

Tomorrow... she'll walk down that hallway
While holding her son's tiny hand
Tommorow... he will leave her arms
For surgery as planned.

Tomorrow... she will kiss his cheek
Say mommy loves you...then
I know she will be thinking
Will I hold him just like this again?

I know these feelings all too well
I've walked this road before
It's true...no one can tell you
Exactly what's in store.

That crystal ball we joked about
Is not around to say
You need not have a worry
Things will go well today.

Tomorrow...she will watch him go
(She does not have a choice)
She'll lose her concentration
Her thoughts...her words.. her voice.

And to the waiting room...she'll go
With a mother's heart of fear
While other's say what can I do?
She'll say...I'm just glad that your here.

She'll try to stay focused
She'll try to stay strong
But I know she will wonder
What's taking so long???

Nauseous, scared and so unsure
Of what this day may bring
Praying,hoping,waiting
Not sure of anything.

Tomorrow...seems to have a way
Of coming as it should
You cannot hold on to "today"
(As many wish they could)

Tomorrow...she will let him go
And then she'll likely pray
Lord...please hold him in your arms
And let him be...okay.

~Stephanie Husted

Dawn B said...

I've been alongside Natalie through 2 open heart surgeries and soon to be 3 heart caths with Natalie (who's now 3 has a form of HRHS) and each time is like the first time.
I know that tomorrow is going to be utterly stressful, but there is one thing I've learned is that the surgery and waiting do end and before you know it each day goes by and you're closer to bringing him home. He is such a fighter so you know that you have every reason to believe that he'll make it through..and grow.. and be happy..and grow and grow some more. I'm going to pray and think about you guys all day tomorrow..much love, Dawn.

Kathie said...

Many thoughts and prayers for you, Shane and Joshua. It's so unfair to have to leave the hospital and your baby is not going home. The day my DD had surgery is still clear as day...I cried and cried all day the day before, tried to sleep for a few fitful hours, got up and went to the NICU at six a.m., cried more, walked down the hall to the OR and watched her go through the doors I couldn't go through with the doctor....and then there was peace, because it wasn't in my hands any more. Eight hours later she was in recovery and doing great....I pray your experience will be similar. ((((hugs))))

Stephanie Quintero said...

Ya know you are not handing him over to a surgeon, right? This is God's will and everything about it is from God. I posted a picture for you on your FB page of Jesus guiding the surgeon. Maybe this image will give you greater peace on this issue.

HennHouse said...

Praying...

woohoo23 said...

I still remember the day I came home and Josie didn't. I knew that she was not going to be able to, but it was still so very difficult. When they met with us to go over the surgery and all the details, I just cried, my emotions were all over the place. We're here for you and know exactly what you're going through. Joshua will do great. Lots of prayers for Joshua and the doctors for a smooth surgery.

Carolina Carters said...

Jill, I haven't been able to read any of your posts without crying. Your experience with Joshua brings up the raw emotions that stay tucked away so tightly most days.

Many, many prayers for you as you hand Joshua over tomorrow. I remember that first surgery like it was yesterday, and it was absolutely the most difficult thing I had ever done. HOWEVER, I felt such a peace as we waited. A peace that only God can give, and I pray that He will give you that peace too. I hope you can feel the prayers going up for you and Shane, for Joshua's medical team, and for that precious feisty little man.

My heart hurts for you, and I wish there was something to say...just know that we're praying hard and sending big hugs your way!

I know it doesn't seem possible right now, but in a few months (or even weeks) you'll look at that sweet face and think, "wow, there's no way you've been through all of that." It's an incredible blessing, you'll see. ;)

Big hugs friend!

Stacey said...

Jill,

I'll be thinking of you and Joshua all day tomorrow and staying updated on his progress. My HLHS daughter, Zoe, who is now 3 months old, had her Norwood at 15 hours old. It was completely exhausting. I'd just given birth and was told she needed surgery just 12 hours later. These kids are such fighters. Keep the faith and be strong.

Your blog reminded me of the day I was discharged from the hospital. I cried the entire ride home. It felt so wrong leaving without my baby.

Again, my thoughts and prayers are yours tomorrow.

Heart hugs,
Stacey

Anonymous said...

Jill

I am not sure how God does it, but this incredible peace will flow through your veins soon. As others have pointed out, the most difficult moment, the most agonizing second of my life was handing over my daughter to a person I knew was going to hurt her. Not on purpose but to save her life. I had a choice, I could say no and do compassionate care or I could say yes. Yes, cut her chest open and save her. The choice was never mine - her story was already written by her Heavenly Father. Once I turned and started back down that dreaded hallway, this incredible (and there is really no way to describe it until you experience it yourself) feeling came over me. I knew. I just knew that everything was the way it should be.

Prayers are being sent your way. Joshua is a fighter - he has proven that to you. Miracles happen every single day - hold on to that.

Shannon Egan

Laanykidsmom said...

I just found you on Twitter and wanted to let you know I will be praying. Our daughter had her 2nd open heart surgery this past October. Her first one was at 3 yrs. of age. So while I can't relate to handing over an infant for surgery, I can relate to handing over your precious child to be operated on, and she's not done yet. We had so many people praying during surgery, and I know that's what got me through. He will be okay. And you will be stronger because of this.

Christine said...

Jill,

I am thinking of you and praying for all of you. Be gentle with yourself... the hormones are out to get us! Remeber it is ok to grieve the experiences we don't get to have as well as what we are experiencing...

Hugs and prayers,
Christine

 
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