Thursday, August 26, 2010

Alone with my thoughts....

It's quiet tonight. There aren't many patients on the floor, Shane is gone, and Joshua is sedated. The room is dim, and it's just me and my thoughts.

How can I love this child so much? This precious baby who has been entrusted to me, half a heart and all. He's mine. Even though I've only held him for a total of 4 hours in his sweet life, how can I be so madly in love with him? Where does this feeling of protection come from? Why would I do anything to be in his place, my chest healing from a major surgery, my belly swollen, and tube down my throat?

Why did God chose this path for us? Why does He think I'm strong enough? I don't feel strong enough. I don't want to be strong enough. I'm terrified yet thankful all at the same time. How is that possible?

It's quiet tonight. I'm alone with my own thoughts for the first time in over a week. My thoughts feel somewhat dangerous, yet I think I need to have them. I need to remember how lucky I am to have a husband who, even though he drives me crazy, loves me and our children more than anything. I need to remember how lucky I am to have a child who has survived this crazy ordeal- so many of them don't. I need to remember how lucky I am that we access to the medical care that we do. I need to think about how lucky I am that we have the support that we have to get us through this.

There are so many emotions that are going through my head right now. So many thoughts. Some good, some bad. I'm missing my kids, my husband (who went home this afternoon), my house. I'm missing my life of not worrying about O2 stats, blood pressure, and heartrates. I'm anticipating what life will look like for us in the next months and years. I'm excited about where God is going to take us, yet terrified at the same time.

I'm going to sign off this crazy computer and go be alone with my thoughts for a while. I'm going to meditate on God's promises and the hope I have in Him. I'm going to go read some Psalms to calm my weary heart. It's quiet here....a little too quiet.


Anonymous said...

quiet can be a good thing...sometimes we need to be still to hear what God is whispering to us.

Glad to read that Joshua is holding steady.

Hope to hear that he is off the vent within the next few days.

Prayers for a restful night for everyone.

Shannon Egan

Stacey said...

So true, Jill. I remember the first time I sat in silence with my own thoughts after the Norwood. Not sure I'm used to it yet. The quiet is still scary three months post-op. I guess you just learn to sit the thoughts; you learn to tolerate them. Praying for strength as you sit in the quiet.

Anonymous said...

I know those thoughts all too well and I'm just the grandmother. I can't imagine the pain my daughter and her husband went through and still go through when there is a little hiccup here and there with preciou Ivan. Those thoughts will always be with you, but quite possibly not be as fresh as they are now. I have learned to take it one day at a time and treasure those days. None of us, whole heart or half heart know when we will take our last breath. Enjoy baby Joshua and all that are dear to you to the fullest each day. God makes no mistakes. He chose the "perfect" mom and dad for Joshua. I have always thought being the Grandma, you not only cry for your granchild, but also for your child and now I cry for other heart families going through this. God is in control of all of this. Keep the Faith.
Heart Hugs,
Gale Bagwell, Grandma to Ivan Taylor, HLHS

leah said...

In reading you post tonight my first thought was 'be still and know that I am God'.

Love you, rest well, read your Psalms and take in the good things from this quiet time.

Praying rest, peace, love for all five of you - though not physically together, together in God's arms.

Anonymous said...

I have a scripture tonight from the book of Joshua.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9

Thought you might like it. I thought about finding one from Psalms but this one popped up. Saying prayers that you find some peace in your thoughts and also find some rest. Praying for all of your family and Joshua that the vent come off soon.


Anonymous said...

Oh and praying for PEE too!! Rainy

Molly Alisa Photography said...

This is kind of unrelated to this post, but I was just looking at Joshua's photo on the side of the blog. And I was thinking about how it was a tiny bean at one time, and how far he's come. And I'm so thankful.

I hope you sleep well tonight and your find peace in working through your thoughts.

Michelle said...

i'm not saying any of this to say i know how you feel - because i don't - but i DO know what hard times are like. i was abused for 11 years, then kidnapped, taken to mexico, and held there for a full month. that was exactly 10 years ago this summer.

then in high school (graduated in 2004) i developed a migraine disorder where i get migraines DAILY. i always had them as a kid, since i was in kindergarten, but they were occasional. suddenly they were daily, and they don't respond to anything.

in 2008, i was diagnosed with a condition that will mean repeat brain surgeries for life. at first they predicted one every 8 or so years... i'm getting ready for my THIRD in 19 MONTHS.

something that helps me is focusing on what God HAS given me, rather than what He (from my perspective) hasn't. that's the only way i can stay sane, and frankly, it's the way we're supposed to think. God knows best, and He knows that us thinking about His blessings will only serve to strengthen us.

so when i'm laying in the hospital recovering from brain surgery, with half my stomach cut open as well for a shunt placement, unable to talk from being intubated & in so much pain i'd like to die, i try to remember that God has given me access to health care without burdening my parents at all. seriously, my first surgery came to over $100,000 in total, and we paid a co-pay of $100. LITERALLY. i had my parents at my side every day i was in the hospital & every moment once i was released. things like that, thinking about those blessings i take for granted, really helped me personally.

it's the things you tend to overlook & take for granted that tend to mean the most. i mean, can you imagine if you didn't live in this country & you were told, "i'm sorry, your baby can't be helped here, he's going to die"? or if your husband, rather than talking to you a lot, was an inattentive husband & father who didn't care enough to be at the hospital for you & your newborn son? things that we don't generally think about, yet really, are so extremely important.

maybe it's just me, but focusing on those things helped me through the times when i was just sick & tired of it all. it helped to give me an "attitude adjustment" that, at times, was sorely needed. there's nothing wrong with having moments of "i hate this" and "what's the purpose of this?" but dwelling on them will make things worse, which is why i try so hard not to, although i am the FIRST to admit that i fail & i fail frequently! :-P

praying for you, Joshua, your husband, your other kids, and those caring for your baby boy...

- michelle

Anonymous said...

I know what you are feeling. I wrote two articles for our support group. One focused playing the hand I was dealt without also playing the “what-if” hand. We truly tried to take each day as it came and not get ahead of ourselves. The other described the tightrope between my old, pre-Ava life and our new normal. Take each day as it comes, worrying not for tomorrow. Continue beseeching God to care for you, comfort you, guide you and protect you. And I will continue praying for you.


Anonymous said...

Being a heart mom (or dad) isn't easy. However, rest in the fact that God chose YOU to take care of this special little boy. What an honor! He knows that you were the best mommy for Joshua-that He will give you the strength you need to do all this. What an awesome God we serve!
I'll be praying for the blood gases to be good so Joshua can be extubated and he can cry like a real baby ;).
Shannan Davis
proud mommy to Jamie Davis (PA/IVS and HRHS)

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