Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy.....

With my emotional ups and downs lately, I've begun wonder if I'm crazy. One moment I'm perfectly fine, accepting that HLHS is now our new normal and accepting that our lives are forever changed. Then in the next moment, I'm mourning all of the things that will never be the same again. I haven't cried in 10 days,  but last night I lost it while looking through all of the baby clothes that I bought for Joshua before our diagnosis.

I have great days of acceptance, and then I have dark days where I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow and grief.

I can only blame pregnancy hormones so much. My emotions are so much more than just the hormones. After talking with an old boss/friend of mine, she helped me realize that I am grieving. I'm grieving the loss of what "should have been." I'm grieving the loss of being able to bring our perfect new baby home to join our family. I'm grieving the loss of not working once Joshua is here. I'm grieving the loss of what our life used to be- free of HLHS, free of worry and anxiety about the future, full of celebrating the fact that I'm still carrying a healthy and strong baby.

In trying to figure out if I am truly grieving, I found a website that talks about the stages of grief and gives a definition of grief. It fits perfectly.

Here is a list of the "stages" of grief. I've experienced each one of them, even if just for short periods of time.

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
~This happened immediately. In the doctor's office, on the way home from Indy, that night before bed, the next morning in the shower. I still experience this daily as I feel Joshua kick and roll around in my belly- seemingly normal and healthy.


Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
~My biggest question has been, "Why did God choose us? Why Joshua? Why our family?" What did I do wrong? Is it because I didn't take my prenatals like I should have? Were the fumes from the fire in the kitchen a factor? Who's genes did this come from? Is it because I laid primarily on my right side instead of my left side when I was on bedrest? Why the hemorrhage AND the heart defect?

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
~This one has been a tough one and probably the one that I have experienced the least. Although, I have told God that if He decides to bring complete healing in the form of a completely healthy heart, that it would be a HUGE testamony to God's divine healing powers. It's almost as though I'm trying to manipulate God's will to include completely healing to show other's how truly powerful He is- as if He didn't already know that....

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
~ I have experienced this one more than I would like to admit. The morning after our initial diagnosis, I took a shower and sobbed gut wrenching, hysterical sobs while my children were in the next room asking their daddy what was wrong with mommy. I have cried more tears that I ever thought possible. If it weren't for Caleb and Hannah, some mornings I don't think I would have ever even gotten out of bed. I cry when I see newborns, or when expecting mothers come into my store to buy baby clothes. I cry when I look at my growing belly in the mirror. I cry reading other mother's stories of their children going through the heart surgeries that mine will have to face. I cry thinking about the life that Joshua will miss out on. This is the hardest stage for me.

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
~This is a hard one for me too. I do feel deep down inside that I am ok with everything. I feel like God is working and I have peace. But at the same time, I often times feel myself putting on a front in order to be "brave." People ask me how I'm doing and I say "ok" because if I say much more, I'm afraid I'm going to lose it. Somedays I do truly feel ok, but those days are few and far between. People ask how I've been so strong, and my response is that I've not been. They don't see inside my heart and head. I'm strong because I don't have any other choice. But not having a choice doesn't make it any easier.


This definition of grief, defined by Hospice Foundation of America, perfectly describes how I am experiencing my grief.
"It is best not to think of grief as a series of stages. Rather, we might think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief."

Even though my loss has not been a physcial loss, a death, I do feel like I am truly experiencing grief. This blog has been a great way for me to work through some of my loss. Sometimes I feel like I can express myself better in writing than I can in words. Writing brings on less tears than talking does.

Thank you friends for listening, reading, and offering words of comfort. Thank you for helping us through these times. Thank you for letting me "process" how I need to process without questioning my motives. Thank you for loving our family and supporting us through this.

If you are interested in reading more about grief and the grieving process, check out this website. It has great information on grieving and how to help someone through the grieving process.