Bittersweet

This morning, I woke up and Joshua was curled up on the right side of my belly. Looking at my tummy, it was all lopsided and squishy on the top and on the left, but there was a big hard ball on the right side.

As I started rubbing my belly, Joshua started to respond. He would kick or wiggle just a bit when I stopped as if saying "do it again!" So I would rub again and he would go still but when I stopped he started wiggling again. Then after a few minutes of that he decided to stretch. I felt him roll and then my belly flattened out but I could still feel his little bottom on the right side. (I just pictured him stretching and yawning his big toothless yawn making sweet little goat-like baby noises.) His kicks moved further over on my right side and his little hiccups started on the left. We continued the rub/move pattern for another 10 minutes or so.

The whole time I just kept thinking this may be the only time I will be able to do this with him. After he is born he will be hooked up to so many machines and we won't be able to snuggle. The 15-20 minutes I had with him this morning were precious to me. I remember doing the same with Caleb and Hannah, but it never meant as much to me as it did this morning. I felt like I was able to be a mother to my precious baby boy even if it was just rubbing his back or belly.

These moments are becoming bittersweet for me. Something I would not trade for anything in the world, yet something that I feel is clouded by fear of the unknown. The cloud is not all consuming, and the joy of the moment is my main focus, but it's still there.

I'm thanking God for the small moments with my sweet Joshua. Praising Him that he is still alive and well and thriving. Praising Him for the life that Joshua will live, either here or in heaven. My sweet baby is a precious gift from God and I want to enjoy and appreciate every moment I have with him- even if those moments are bittersweet.