Thursday, April 1, 2010

Just some thoughts....

Here I am at almost 20 weeks. Half way through. Never thought I would be at this place. I'm feeling good, I have lots of energy, I've gone back to work, I've not bled for over 2 weeks. I'm doing well. Joshua is doing well. (unfortunately, so is Hermie.....)

But don't let that fool you. I still struggle. I still have that little devil angel on my shoulder whispering "freak out, be scared, lose faith." When I'm alone, thinking about everything I've been through in the past few months, that fear comes back and takes its grip. The what if's come back, and worry sets in.

I also really REALLY struggle with seeing newborn babies. I don't know why. They are hard for me to see. We've had quite a few newborns come into my store, and usually I gush over them, but now I go hide in the back room until they are gone. I don't know why it's so hard for me to look at them. Maybe I just don't want that fear of the unknown, the what if's, to come to the forefront of my mind. Maybe I don't want to think about what could or could not be. I don't know.

I'm also highly emotional when it comes to others pregancies. Someone was telling me that someone they knew was having a baby that was not going to make it even shortly after birth. I can feel that pain. (I've dealt with enough of those "what if's" that I feel like i'm somewhat prepared.) My heart breaks for others who have to face that reality. The hurt is so big in my heart that it can consume me. This same person also went on to tell me that the mother is so mad that they didn't let her abort the baby. I can't hear that. I can't listen to it. I can't even think about that.

I don't want to turn this into an abortion debate. It's something that is deeply personal, and only God can hold you accountable for it. BUT....having gone through everything that I've been through. Having a specialist present that to me as a real option to "deal" with the complications, this is an extremely sore and raw spot on my heart.

My baby is still my baby, God's child. He is a real human being growing inside me. He has a life, a heart, a soul. He is NOT disposable just because he may not be "perfect" to human standards or has caused me to "slow down my life". God Himself has knit this baby together, God Himself has created this child in His PERFECT image. If he comes out 100% healthy, or with Downs, or with the fatal Trisomy- he has been created PERFECT and with PURPOSE- even if the baby only lives for a day.

Please don't tell me about someone who wants their baby to die because they aren't "perfect." Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and their own way of thinking, but don't tell me about those things. My heart is still too raw to deal with the thought. I'm still waiting, worrying, and hurting.

Please, love your babies. Cherish every moment you have with them, born or unborn. Celebrate their lives. Love them for who God created them to be.  I know I do.
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