Monday, February 15, 2010

13 weeks

Another 2 days down, another one to go.

I've been getting some crazy comments from people in real life. People who mean well, but just don't quite understand. People who are trying to solve everything with material objects, words of "encouragement" that end up discouraging, and looks of pity. I'm getting people who are trying to get me to make commitments for activities months from now, even after I explain that I can't even guarantee tomorrow. I don't want pity. I don't want material objects that are "going to take care of the problem." I don't want forced words of love and support.

I want real genuine love and an understanding of the gravity of the situation.

I can't be more blunt than this. Here it goes. I'm sorry if it disturbs you or is too graphic.  It is reality.

Reality #1:
My bleeding, was not just a little spotting. It was a huge gush of bright red blood that dripped down my legs and left my jeans covered. It caused the nurses to have to change my little waterproof sitting pad about 4 times. I bled for just about a week. Period like blood. 

Reality #2:
The hemorrhage can very likely take the life of my child and threaten my life. This thing is big and according to the doctor may just be getting bigger. It can tear the placenta away from the uterus and cause my baby to die. If I start bleeding again, it could very well cause too much blood loss within myself and cause some major complications. This is not just your average, "stay on bedrest because you need to rest" type of situation.

Reality #3:
If this pregnancy results in my baby's loss of life, I will have 2 options. If it happens sooner rather than later, I can have a D&C and remove the "tissue" (such an awful word to refer to my baby as.) Or if death happens later, I will have to deliver a dead baby. (I can't be any more blunt than that can I?) At this point, I'm hoping that IF it is going to happen, it happens later- I need the closure of holding my baby and being able to say goodbye. As morbid as that sounds, it's reality.

Reality #4:
I am not being negative and already have a death sentence for this child. NO WAY! I want more than anything for this baby to live. I'm praying constantly that God will spare this life. I know that there are plenty of women who have gone through an entire pregancy with hemorrhages bigger than mine and have delivered a strong healthy baby. I have hope that this will happen to us as well. BUT....there is reality that I have to face, and decisions I need to prepare myself to make. Please don't tell me not to think a certain way, or that I'm being negative. I'm not. Just processing, preparing, and being realistic.

Reality #5:
We have hope. We will survive. No matter what the outcome, God is carrying us through, speaking to us through others and His word, and caring for us in ways I would have never expected. God is showing me how to trust him fully and to be able to completely hand over the reigns of our lives and just trust. He has whispered to me "Be still and know that I Am." I'm trying to do just that. There are amazing healing powers in the arms of Jesus. Even if those powers aren't physcially healing. There is rest, comfort, and reassurance there. What more do I need?

Reality #6:
Shane is my rock. He has been my crying shoulder, my set of listening ears, my support, and my love. He lets me process the way I need to process, and never says a word about it. He prays with me and for me. He loves this baby just as much, if not more, than I do- if that is possible. He also cries over this baby. In the 8 years we have been together, I have never seen him cry- until just this past Friday. I love that man more now, than I ever have.

I'm sorry this post has somewhat of a negative tone to it. I don't mean for it to be a downer post. I'm still in the process of working through my emotions. I'm also just playing the waiting game. If I can make it to Wednesday without going crazy, I will be fine!

My next ultrasound is Wednesday at 6am with a follow up appointment with the doctor at 10:45. Praying for a miracle, and for healing before then.


Amy said...

I came to your blog through Molly's blog and I just want to say I've been praying for you. I'm praying first & foremost for a miracle for your little one. And I'm also praying for peace and comfort for you and your family, whatever the outcome. Your strength is amazing me! Much love to you from a stranger not-so-far-north.

Anonymous said...

i love you... i praise the Lord for how strongly he's had his grip, his peace and his strength over you guys...
you process this however the heck you need to!
praying for shane too...
i love you guys!

The Ag Teacher's Wife said...

I am still praying for you, your unborn baby, and your sweet little family. I know that God will bring you through this situation, whatever may happen. Jill, you are such a strong woman! God bless you.

The Cox Family said...

I have been spreading the word to pray for a miracle for you and your precious family. I am begging God to HEAL the hemmorage and take it away. I am begging Him to protect that precious child and your heart and your family. I am begging Him to do things that "aren't possible" and shock and awe everyone.

I am glad you posted this. I hope it answers people's questions and gives them a glimpse of the reality of the situation. I was wondering about what would happen if the baby passed. I was hoping too that you would have the chance to hold it and have that closure.

Anonymous said...

My sister went through something very simular. I hope and pray that everything will work out. If it doesnt it only makes you a stronger soul. Things happen in life that we can't explain, nor do we like it. God does things in his own way and sometimes we have to except it. I wish I could do something for you (Im still in munster) but hopefully whatever happens, you will be ok! if you need to talk, don't hesitate to talk to me. I know we haven't talked in a long time but.....Hope you feel better and everything works out ok. Jackie

Leslie Steese said...

Still praying so hard for you, 'Squirmy', and your family. This blog in particular touched me so deeply. After 8 weeks of Connor in the NICU, not knowing he if he was going to live and the loss of 2 babies since he was born, I can totally relate to the well meaning comments that often cut like a knife. It just makes everything that much more difficult. Sending prayers of love and comfort...

Natalie at Mommy on Fire said...

I am so sorry you are experiencing this sadness and uncertainty. You are correct - you must take care of yourself and your sweet little family first. I will be praying for you.

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