13 weeks

Another 2 days down, another one to go.

I've been getting some crazy comments from people in real life. People who mean well, but just don't quite understand. People who are trying to solve everything with material objects, words of "encouragement" that end up discouraging, and looks of pity. I'm getting people who are trying to get me to make commitments for activities months from now, even after I explain that I can't even guarantee tomorrow. I don't want pity. I don't want material objects that are "going to take care of the problem." I don't want forced words of love and support.

I want real genuine love and an understanding of the gravity of the situation.

I can't be more blunt than this. Here it goes. I'm sorry if it disturbs you or is too graphic.  It is reality.

Reality #1:
My bleeding, was not just a little spotting. It was a huge gush of bright red blood that dripped down my legs and left my jeans covered. It caused the nurses to have to change my little waterproof sitting pad about 4 times. I bled for just about a week. Period like blood. 

Reality #2:
The hemorrhage can very likely take the life of my child and threaten my life. This thing is big and according to the doctor may just be getting bigger. It can tear the placenta away from the uterus and cause my baby to die. If I start bleeding again, it could very well cause too much blood loss within myself and cause some major complications. This is not just your average, "stay on bedrest because you need to rest" type of situation.

Reality #3:
If this pregnancy results in my baby's loss of life, I will have 2 options. If it happens sooner rather than later, I can have a D&C and remove the "tissue" (such an awful word to refer to my baby as.) Or if death happens later, I will have to deliver a dead baby. (I can't be any more blunt than that can I?) At this point, I'm hoping that IF it is going to happen, it happens later- I need the closure of holding my baby and being able to say goodbye. As morbid as that sounds, it's reality.

Reality #4:
I am not being negative and already have a death sentence for this child. NO WAY! I want more than anything for this baby to live. I'm praying constantly that God will spare this life. I know that there are plenty of women who have gone through an entire pregancy with hemorrhages bigger than mine and have delivered a strong healthy baby. I have hope that this will happen to us as well. BUT....there is reality that I have to face, and decisions I need to prepare myself to make. Please don't tell me not to think a certain way, or that I'm being negative. I'm not. Just processing, preparing, and being realistic.

Reality #5:
We have hope. We will survive. No matter what the outcome, God is carrying us through, speaking to us through others and His word, and caring for us in ways I would have never expected. God is showing me how to trust him fully and to be able to completely hand over the reigns of our lives and just trust. He has whispered to me "Be still and know that I Am." I'm trying to do just that. There are amazing healing powers in the arms of Jesus. Even if those powers aren't physcially healing. There is rest, comfort, and reassurance there. What more do I need?

Reality #6:
Shane is my rock. He has been my crying shoulder, my set of listening ears, my support, and my love. He lets me process the way I need to process, and never says a word about it. He prays with me and for me. He loves this baby just as much, if not more, than I do- if that is possible. He also cries over this baby. In the 8 years we have been together, I have never seen him cry- until just this past Friday. I love that man more now, than I ever have.

I'm sorry this post has somewhat of a negative tone to it. I don't mean for it to be a downer post. I'm still in the process of working through my emotions. I'm also just playing the waiting game. If I can make it to Wednesday without going crazy, I will be fine!

My next ultrasound is Wednesday at 6am with a follow up appointment with the doctor at 10:45. Praying for a miracle, and for healing before then.