Anxiety

I'm going to be completely open and transparent here for a second. Bear with me.

A few weeks ago, I wrote letters to my children for their birthdays for the next 10 years or so. I spent a few hours, tears streaming down my face, pouring my heart out to my children, telling them of my love for them, encouraging them to continue to seek the Lord in all they do, and reminding them that they have hope in Jesus- even when times are hard.

Why?

Because I thought was dying.

Dramatic much? I think so.

A few weeks ago, I found a dark spot on my back. It was in a place that I couldn't get a good look at it. I was terrified.

I thought for sure I had stage 4 melanoma.

Remember how I struggle with anxiety? Ugh.

I don't really tell Shane when I'm struggling with anxiety any more. I am usually good at discerning when it's rearing its ugly little head in my life, but this time I was legitimately concerned.

After a few days of stewing about the spot on my back, I finally asked Shane to look at it. This was a big deal to me because I know sometimes Shane wishes I didn't struggle with anxiety like I do. He never makes me feel crazy or bad about it, but I know it's hard for him to see me struggle like I do.

Shane took a look at my back and told me that the spot was nothing but a scab. He knew I was struggling and spent the next few minutes trying to reassure me that it was nothing. I guess I did a decent job of hiding my continued anxiety, because he had no clue what a dark path my mind was going down.

A few days after continuing to worry, yet refusing to get it checked out, I began to feel like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was spending extra time loving on my kids, taking stock in what is important in my life, and assessing where God was. This was when I had myself convinced that I was going to die.

If you don't struggle with anxiety, let me tell you, it is awful. The smallest things get blown out of proportion and you go from having  scab on your back to being dead and your children growing up without their mother. Your mind takes you to figuring out who you can set your husband up with in hopes of allowing him to remarry and have some happiness in his life again. You go to places where you feel the need to write your children and husband letters telling them how much you love them and are so sorry you are gone. You spend countless hours carrying the burden of fear, panic, and loneliness. It's a dark and isolating feeling with out any hope of finding your way out of the fog.

Did I know this was anxiety? Yes. Could I do anything to take my thoughts captive and focus on the truth? No. Did this lead to a feeling of guilt for not depending on the sufficiency of Christ? Absolutely.

Anxiety is no joke.

However, (I feel like I use the work however in my writing a lot) God was faithful. (Do I say that a lot also? I think I do...but it's true!) He continued to beckon me to Him. His Spirit continued to remind me to dig deep into His Word to find my hope. He gently called me to lay my anxiety down and trust in what is true.

I've slowly been climbing my way out  God has been slowly lifting me out of the the dark pit of anxiety. I have long periods of time when I don't struggle at all, and then BAM...it hits and it lingers for a while.

He has been faithful to remind me of his promises for my life and that my hope can be found in Him. He has been faithful to provide me with a pastor and his wife, as well as a small group, who gently encourage me to continue seeking him when it feels like my world has turned to darkness. He has been faithful to forgive me when I lose sight of Jesus' death on the cross for me in all of it.

I'm still struggling, but I know there is hope. The anxiety is a powerful force in my life that I constantly struggle with, but I know that my God is bigger  and stronger than that darkness. I just need to continue to rest in Him as he gently leads me closer to Him.

My Identity

I'm at a weird place in life.

I've been a stay at home mom for 5 years now. That is 5 years of giving of myself to my children and my family. It's been the best yet hardest 5 years of my life.

I began staying home just after Joshua died. Caleb was 4, Hannah was 2, and just 2 months after I started staying home, I became pregnant with Lukey. I won't lie and say that I have loved every minute of it. I haven't. It's been hard work. It's been years of sleep deprivation. It's been 5 years giving of myself sacrificially, putting my children's need and husband's needs before myself. But I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

However, our family is at the cusp of change, and I can't help but think about what is in store for us.

Lukey just turned 4 last month. He has been my constant companion since he was born. He has been the only child of my 4 that I have had the privilege of being home with from birth until school. However, our time is coming to an end more quickly than I expected. Next year, he will be in preschool a couple days a week and then the following year, he will be in Kindergarten.

This freaks me out a little bit. It's a big change for me. I can't imagine having free time. I can't imagine not having to spend the time, as we get ready to leave the house, getting shoes and socks on a child, packing a snack, knowing where all the closest bathrooms are wherever we are going. I can't imagine not going on playdates and watching Power Rangers for hours upon hours. I can't imagine what my life will be like while all three of them are in school!

To be honest, as I've been processing the impending change that our family is facing in the next year, I am at a loss. I don't know what it means for me. Will I continue to stay home and care for the house and my family? Will I get a job? Will I finally be able to volunteer for Hospice like I've been hoping to do?

I won't lie and say that this transition doesn't scare me to death. I'm not sure what it will be like to not have a small child around constantly. Sending Lukey to school seems so scary to me. It seems final. No more babies. No more diapers. No more naps, snacks, preschool tv shows, or lugging a carseat around.

However, through all of it, I feel like God has been nudging me to start thinking about my identity. He has been slowly peeling away the layers of sin that has taken over my life and He's been asking me to hand them over and place them at His feet.

This includes my identity. I have, over the years of staying home and caring for small children, come to put my identity in my children. I place my success and failure in their successes and failures. My biggest struggle with anxiety has been in regards to their health- the thought of something happening to them literally knocks the wind out of me, rendering me useless.

A few months ago, Lukey fell off a set of bleachers and fractured his skull. We were admitted for a 24 hour stay in the hospital and were watching for signs of brain bleeds.

I. Was. Terrified.

I couldn't function. I couldn't stay in the hospital alone and make all the decisions I needed to make for him. I know a lot of that anxiety was based on the experience we had with Joshua, but I couldn't bear the thought of losing another child.

When we were released from the hospital, I was told that he COULD NOT hit his head again for another week or so. If he hit his head at all, we would have to take him back to the ER immediately. That week of following his every move left me panicking every time he moved too fast or came to close to a table top. I carried such a heavy burden of making sure he was safe. It was all I could focus on.

All the while, Jesus was calling me to trust Him. But sometimes trusting Him is scary. Sometimes trusting Him means pain and sorrow. After all, I trusted him with Joshua, and look what happened.

But He remained steadfast and true. He continued to patiently encourage me to let go of the burden I was carrying and to just simply trust that He was sovereign over Luke's life. He also revealed to me that maybe I was placing too much identity in my child and my ability to keep my child safe rather than in Jesus.

Ouch.

It wasn't until I reached a point of complete surrender with Luke's life that I was finally at peace. Now, don't get me wrong. That's not to say that I didn't still protect Luke's head with paranoia, but I was able to rest in Him while doing it.

As I look at the transition ahead of me, I hear Jesus telling me to surrender my identity at His feet. He has a plan for my life, and I need to trust that He will carry me through it. It feels very scary to not know the future, to not know what my life will look like or what I will do. I like to plan. I like to have a general idea of what I'm going to do. But I don't have any idea.

So, I just continue seeking Him in it, trusting that His plans for my life are for good and that He will bring glory to himself through my wandering. I continue seeking Him and trusting that he will be faithful and steadfast in his love for me. I continue to lay down my identity and ask him to make me more like himself, even if that means a bit of pain and suffering and brokenness. I will just continue trusting that he who begins a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

I'm back?

It's been just about 8 months since I have blogged. Seems crazy that for such a long time, I was blogging daily, sharing so much of my life with my readers and now I, often times, forget that I even have a blog!

This has been a good place for me to write out my thoughts on life, my struggle with grief, and my search for healing.

I've been missing writing. I've been missing the vulnerability that my writing brings. I've been missing writing out my thoughts and processing through things.

Life has been good. I've been a stay at home mom for 5 years now.

5 years.

Can you believe that?

Caleb is celebrating his 10th birthday in a few short months. Hannah just turned 7 and Lukey has made the jump from the terrible 3's to the rotten 4's. ;) My babies are growing up and I am so proud of who they are becoming.

This also leads me to the fact that Joshua would have been 5 this past August. Another birthday and anniversary have come and gone. We survived the season, but it wasn't without many tears. I don't think August through October will ever be a happy time in my life- thats just the way of grief and loss. I'm content to grieve when I need to. I'm slowly coming to realize that there is healing in the continued tears and God draws close to me through them, sustaining me and reminding me of the eternal hope I have in Him.

God has been so very faithful to me. He has been healing me in ways that are truly nothing less than miraculous. He has been working on my heart, drawing me closer to him, and binding up my wounds one by one.

He has been teaching me what it means when he says, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in weakness." There have been so many times over the past 5 years that I just did not have the strength to go on. There have been so many tears, so much sorrow, and incredible heartbreak. But He has been sovereign over it all. I am finally at peace in knowing that I don't have to understand the "why's" of everything, I just need to place my faith in him and he will be faithful to complete the work in me.

As I continue to journey through the ups and downs of parenting, being a wife, and the hard work of grief, God continuously reminds me to look to him for my strength every single day. He has been a constant companion who patiently listens to my complaints, comforts me when I struggle with anxiety and grief, and rejoices with me in my triumphs. He has given me hope for my future.

There were so many days that I felt like all hope was lost. It feels good to finally be able to say that I have hope.

All that to say, God is working on me. He is revealing some places of sin in my life and he continues to break me in an effort to make me more like Jesus. I can't say I particularly enjoy some of the things he is teaching me, but I know in the end, it's for His Glory.


I might be back to blogging again. I might be back to sharing some of my struggles as a wife and mother. I might be back to writing out my daily thoughts, struggles, and triumphs. Will you join me?